Author: Kate.Purcell

The challenge of navigating schizoaffective disorder and Atypical anorexia at the same time.

I must say, although my mental health is good, and my experience of well-being is great, I do still struggle with some aspects of these 2 diagnoses.

I am on anti-psychotic medication and this comes with weight challenges. Its extremely easy to gain weight, even with just a normal diet. So navigating this has meant spending much of my life  since starting the medication, on a diet.
Weight has inevitably been up and down. And over the last few years I really started to restrict and go to the gym alot. Consequently I lost alot of weight, and became obsessed with weight loss, and terrified of weight gain. An eating disorder grabbed a hold of me again. I was diagnosed with atypical anorexia which I didn’t see coming. I have moved forward over the last 6 months, working with a psychologist and dietician, and am now at a healthy weight again. But I still have to keep tabs on weight gain, which sometimes feels really unfair. Why on earth did the universe lump me with a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, AND aside from this, also lump me with eating disorder issues. But I do my best.

The schizoaffective disorder is not really an issue, on the more difficult days, I can struggle a bit, socially – and interpersonally. On good days, I am very confident and socialising is not an issue at all. So, i take the good with the bad, and I lean into gratitude on a daily basis. I must remind myself on the difficult days… That ive come so incredibly far in only 15 years, and I have not only mental stability, but also have a very positive sense of well-being. Not only this, but I have so many amazing people and opportunities in my life. I certainly don’t miss out on anything at all! I am incredibly blessed.

As someone who has survived a very hellish experience and come out the other side, I have to remember i am so strong and resilient after being so distressed for such a long time, I can get through the bad days with a sense of ease. Ive been through much, much worse.

So, for anyone out there reading this, if you’re struggling with your mental health, to any degree, if you’re on your recovery journey and finding it hard, remember that life may give you lemons at times, but you have to make lemonade.

In other words, wherever you are in your journey, remember how strong you are, and remember to lean into gratitude daily. Be grateful for the big things, but also the little things. And remember to just focus on the next step in front of you…..keep moving forward, despite the difficult times.

Love kate x

PS dont let anything dull your sparkle, and thats up to you.

I had a thought the other day. Do we as human beings need external validation or approval from others, in order to feel a positive sense of self-worth? Can we feel empowered and confident without this validation or approval? I feel like if we need these things to be OK, this is going to end badly. We need to feel good about ourselves despite what others may think of us. We need to feel empowered by our own innate sense of value and particularly when we are living in alignment with our personal values. Living by our values and being the sort of person, we want to be, is all that matters – in terms of self-worth. If you can go to bed each night, feeling good about yourself – based on how you live your life, every day… then you can sleep soundly.

I really have been reflecting on this concept, in context of my own life, and how this plays out every day for me. It is very easy to judge me, with my issues around body image and my issues with mental wellbeing, and I don’t always get the validation or approval from others that I would like. But at the end of the day, this shouldn’t matter. Constantly thinking about other people’s thoughts and/or impressions of me, is not going to be something that I engage in, moving forward. I need to unburden myself of other people’s perceptions – I need to put down that heavy load. It is killing me, one day, one moment at a time.

I am extremely proud of who I am, and the way I live my life. Even if others don’t think so. Despite consistent difficulties, I show up, every day; I try to be caring, compassionate and fun to be around. I think of myself as being a loyal and kind friend, so when others don’t show me that same sense of loyalty, I feel disappointed and hurt. However, sometimes you simply get to realise who your true friends really are. I am so incredibly blessed, to have some amazing people in my life, who truly have my back and who are on my side. They understand that despite the consistent challenges, I am trying my best, and I am always trying to kick goals in my life. They understand what is important to me, and they are happy for me when I kick those important goals.

So, I think it’s important for me to remember that I have a little cheer-squad behind me… friends and family that may not understand me completely but love me anyway. But really, at the end of the day, it shouldn’t matter how other people perceive me or what they think about me… I need to remember that my self-worth does not depend on other people’s ability to see my worth.

I want others who are reading this blog, to think about how much they put their own self-worth in other people’s hands. Particularly when we look at social media, and particularly when we are perhaps, comparing yourself with other people who may be at different stages of their life journey. We are all unique, we are all different. But we are all special, and worthy of love and good things. But not only worthy of love from other people in our lives, but worthy of SELF-LOVE. It’s time to put external validation aside, and feel good about ourselves because we innately deserve this 100% of the time. Think about what you would tell a friend in your situation. Would you encourage them to feel good about themselves despite other people’s petty or harsh judgments? Of course we would…. So, lets do this for ourselves as well.

People’s judgements and thoughts come and go; they ebb and flow. But our own sense of self-worth does not. Our own sense of self-worth should always be there – despite others thoughts or judgements. Be the kind of person you want to be. This is paramount.

I had a thought on Saturday, when I was feeling uncomfortable with the weight that I have gained – actually, I was feeling quite distressed; I realised that what I want and what the eating disorder wants are not only completely separate, but also completely different.

I think we already know and understand what our eating disorders want. ED’s want thinness. ED’s want control. But is that what we actually want??

To be completely honest with you, this time last year I thought all I wanted was to be thin. Other goals were nowhere near as important, in comparison. But I realise now, that my wants and needs were getting all muddled up with my ED’s wants and needs. Separating not only ourselves from the ED but separating our wants from the ED’s wants…is imperative, moving forward.

The 41-year-old Kate, wise and strong, just wants to be healthy and happy. She knows what is important and what isn’t. But when Kate looks in the mirror at her reflection, the ED starts screaming out. And it is loud…extremely loud. It screams that we’re not thin enough; it screams that we are simply disgusting – our bodies are too big – in this spot and that spot. It makes us feel like the only thing we can possibly do to make the situation better, is to lose weight. Restrict and control… and lose weight so we can get closer to thinness. But thinness is never enough for the ED. It always wants and needs more; so simply remind yourself that what IT wants and what the real. Authentic YOU wants – is completely different.

Make decisions every day that align with what YOU want. This is how we take back the reigns. The ED will trick us into believing that thinness is what we truly want – and need. But when it comes down to it – thinness and losing weight will not make us happy – only malnourished and obsessive. What will make us happy – is kicking the ED to the kerb – and part of this involves being at a healthier weight. The battle will be extremely difficult – but this comes hand in hand with recovery. True recovery – not just weight restoration – is about YOU taking back the control and making choices every single day that make YOU happy. Explore what that looks like for you – and follow that.

When you are living in alignment with your goals and values, or in other words, when you are making decisions on a daily basis that make YOU feel positive and peaceful – this is when you will be truly happy, strong and beaming with pride, with what you have been able to achieve.

xxx Kate

First Steps Towards Recovery!

For someone who feels completely consumed and powerless, what’s the first step toward recovery?

The first step towards recovery, I feel, is simply try and daydream – even for 10 minutes – about a life without an eating disorder. What does that look and feel like? This helps to shut the ED up a bit. Then make a list about who YOU are. What do you like, or dislike? What do you love and/or what are you passionate about? And how can you build a new life around this answer? What are my personal qualities, and what are my values? What are my goals? This may take a lot of inner exploration. But this is necessary to move forward.

Next steps, make a plan to do something you enjoy, which the ED hates. And find a way to laugh! Remember that there is still a sparkle inside of you – the ED can and does dull that sparkle, so find ways to bring that sparkle back. Find a sense of joy. And follow that.

Try to not step on the scales tomorrow. Try to eat something you wouldn’t normally eat.

Listen to music. Dance.

All of these things are like kryptonite to your ED.
Tell Your Eating Disorder to F**k Off. Find your sparkle and do whatever you can to keep that sparkle alive. This is how you get your power back. Period.

You write about a “distorted reality”—how dangerous is that mindset for someone in

the depths of an ED?

The distorted reality is extremely dangerous for someone in the depths of their eating disorder. The distorted reality grabs a hold of us, it shows us that we are in a much bigger body than we actually are and is yelling at us to get smaller – and thinner – to a ridiculous degree. The scary thing is, we can’t see what other people see. Our bodies and brains are starved, and this actually affects our perception. I have experienced this phenomenon. When I was suffering from anorexia nervosa back in my teenage years, I remember the sheer pain of having to gain weight. I might have been at 30 kgs. But the moment I had to gain a few kilos, or even one kilo, all I would see was that weight gain, I couldn’t see the whole picture. And it felt disgusting. Reality was indeed, very distorted. All I could think about was losing the weight that I had gained (to shut the ED up). Even with my more recent experiences with atypical anorexia, I was not seeing things clearly. I could not see how thin I was. The more I started to nourish my body, the more I was able to grasp what was actually going on. And now that I have gained a decent amount of weight, I am healthier not only in my body, but in my mind. I look back at photos and I can see what I couldn’t see before. My view of my current body, is more balanced – I am starting to see things more realistically. Part of recovery from a restrictive eating disorder, is being able to grasp how distorted your reality actually is. To begin with, at least, you have to trust in what other people are saying, and trust in what THEY are seeing. Because, as I said, in the depths of an eating disorder – you simply cannot see things as they actually are. Trust in the words of the people who love and care about you. This is very important. Eventually though, as your body, mind and spirit start getting more nourishment and health, you will be able to see things more clearly. Remember – when your body is starved – when you are greatly restricting your dietary intake – and when your weight is very low – your eating disorder will keep playing mind games with you. Period.

Your book describes the ED as both a protector and a destroyer—how does that dual role trap people?

Let’s be clear. Dual role basically means an entity (in this case, an ED), performing two distinct functions. An ED does serve a dual role… for good or bad… it initially came about to protect us from the unpredictability of life, to give us something to control, when everything else felt out of control. It was, in a sense, saving us. However, within a short time, more than likely, this protector, morphed into a destroyer. We realised, quite quickly, that actually, we are not in control at all. The ED is in control. What needs to happen then, in recovery, is a realisation that whilst the ED was a protector of sorts initially, it actually turns out to be exactly the opposite. Fighting back against it, is about gaining the control back… perhaps for the first time in our lives. Recovery is about realising that we actually DON’T need protecting at all. Thank the ED for its role when it first entered our lives. But confirm…with confidence and assertiveness… that YOU’VE GOT THIS. You are wise enough, strong enough, brave enough, to handle life without its assistance – and in fact – without its dominance. The dual role can trap people, because that can actually be really confusing! It is a positive thing and a negative thing at the same time??

You must remind yourself…. It actually isn’t a positive thing AT ALL. AND you no longer need its protection, moving forward. Thank it, but leave it behind you, because you’ve got this. I am SURE you have learnt so much over the time that an ED was in your world. You’re not the same person you were in the beginning. Whether that was 10 years ago or 2 years ago, you’re different now, and you have to tell your F**k right off. Your future depends on it. Show your strength. Show your courage and show your ED that you don’t need its protection anymore. It will continue to destroy, if you don’t stand up and fight it. Period.

You say “you are not your eating disorder”—what was the moment you truly

believed that yourself?

I realised this some time ago. Somewhere in between my recovery from anorexia nervosa when I was 16 and when I was diagnosed with A-typical anorexia at the age of 40. There was a long time in between where my eating disorder was relatively dormant. An ED started to grab a hold of me almost 3 years ago, and I only realised this about 2 years ago when I was 39. When I had the realisation that an ED was present in my life again, I started to think about how best I could navigate this. A big part of me wanted to keep losing weight. I had to keep reminding myself that, hey, I am so much more than just that part of me that wants to be thin. I am Kate, I am a strong, together, 39-year-old – with a good career and good family and friends and an amazing partner – this doesn’t actually change – regardless of the number on the scales. None of that goes away – the number on the scales is an obsession – but it is not who I am at my core. Remembering that was huge. Still…. It took me another year before I started to really address the A-typical anorexia – with seeking professional help. But I knew… and I know… that an ED is a part of me…. Not a good part…. But just a part…. And the importance of recognising this in ED recovery is paramount. When I was recovering from anorexia in my teens, I don’t think I really grasped this truth, as I was still discovering who Kate was…. I recovered, but I didn’t have the insight that I have now that I am a lot older. That insight… is extremely valuable – and a big part of what makes this book so special.

 Easter Challenges

Easter, for most people, is one of the most enjoyable festive holidays in the year. However, for those of us who may struggle with eating and/or body image issues, it can be one of the most challenging times. I remember when I was hospitalised for anorexia nervosa in my early to mid -teens, my mum and dad knew that the likelyhood of me consuming any easter chocolate bunny treats was next to nothing. My mum and dad, as a loving and caring gesture, would buy me bunny or chicken soft toys, to try and make sure I didn’t miss out, because of my eating disorder. I don’t know if I appreciated this at the time, as much as I should have. Chocolate tended to be something that was challenging for me, even throughout my recovery when I was about 16 years old. I remember that when I was in the midst of my recovery at Hollywood Clinic – who had a dedicated eating disorder inpatient program – I started to try and change my relationship with food. This is necessary in eating disorder recovery – although eating disorders aren’t really about food as such – they are more about feelings of low self-worth and needing to be thin to feel like you are, just ok – or enough – However, the relationship with food still must be examined to really get to a stage when the eating disorder isn’t calling the shots all the time. So, in an effort to move forward in my recovery journey, myself and another girl whom was experiencing similar issues, decided to try mars lite bars. It was challenging, but it did the trick in terms of recovery… It helped me to feel like the eating disorder was no longer in control – I was in control – more and more every day.

I will mention that whilst, since that time, dieting and restricting hadn’t gone away entirely… I have generally been quite comfortable with chocolate in general. And a lot of this dates back to when I was really challenging the eating disorder at the age of 16. That is what has to happen in recovery. You must stand up with strength against the ED, and tell it that YOU are now in control. So, eat that chocolate bunny. Tell your ED to stick it. Because you deserve to enjoy easter as much as the next person. I don’t’ go overboard with chocolate at Easter – or even Christmas time. But I do allow myself to enjoy what I do eat. And to be honest, it isn’t really that challenging anymore – at all really! Because I enjoy small amounts of chocolate in my usual diet. I love it, and whilst I don’t gorge myself, it is a normal, healthy part of a nourishing diet. Don’t think for a second that because it may be considered as “junk food”, that you must feel guilty about it! Your relationship with food needs to get to a stage where you stop categorizing foods as “good” or “bad”. As someone who has been through the ringer with eating, weight and body image issues, I can honestly say, now that I am generally against dieting in any way shape and form. Nourish your body because that is what it deserves. You can stay healthy, and still enjoy food and have a balanced diet. So, this easter, as I do every easter, I will enjoy a bunny or two, and more than likely enjoy a hot cross bun or two aswell!

The only way you can improve your relationship with food is to challenge yourself and remember to tell your eating disorder/weight obsession etc to get F’d!

I believe in you. If I can do it. Anyone can. My experiences with anorexia, if anything, make me more grateful on a daily basis, to simply enjoy my food.

As Luciano Pavarotti says…

“One of the very best things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing, and devote our attention to eating”

This way of thinking is absolutely ok, absolutely healthy, and absolutely necessary in eating disorder recovery.

Happy easter!

You 100% DESERVE to enjoy yourself.

Love Kate xxxx