Kate.Purcell

What I want Vs What my eating disorder wants.

I had a thought on Saturday, when I was feeling uncomfortable with the weight that I have gained – actually, I was feeling quite distressed; I realised that what I want and what the eating disorder wants are not only completely separate, but also completely different.

I think we already know and understand what our eating disorders want. ED’s want thinness. ED’s want control. But is that what we actually want??

To be completely honest with you, this time last year I thought all I wanted was to be thin. Other goals were nowhere near as important, in comparison. But I realise now, that my wants and needs were getting all muddled up with my ED’s wants and needs. Separating not only ourselves from the ED but separating our wants from the ED’s wants…is imperative, moving forward.

The 41-year-old Kate, wise and strong, just wants to be healthy and happy. She knows what is important and what isn’t. But when Kate looks in the mirror at her reflection, the ED starts screaming out. And it is loud…extremely loud. It screams that we’re not thin enough; it screams that we are simply disgusting – our bodies are too big – in this spot and that spot. It makes us feel like the only thing we can possibly do to make the situation better, is to lose weight. Restrict and control… and lose weight so we can get closer to thinness. But thinness is never enough for the ED. It always wants and needs more; so simply remind yourself that what IT wants and what the real. Authentic YOU wants – is completely different.

Make decisions every day that align with what YOU want. This is how we take back the reigns. The ED will trick us into believing that thinness is what we truly want – and need. But when it comes down to it – thinness and losing weight will not make us happy – only malnourished and obsessive. What will make us happy – is kicking the ED to the kerb – and part of this involves being at a healthier weight. The battle will be extremely difficult – but this comes hand in hand with recovery. True recovery – not just weight restoration – is about YOU taking back the control and making choices every single day that make YOU happy. Explore what that looks like for you – and follow that.

When you are living in alignment with your goals and values, or in other words, when you are making decisions on a daily basis that make YOU feel positive and peaceful – this is when you will be truly happy, strong and beaming with pride, with what you have been able to achieve.

xxx Kate

First Steps to Recovery

First Steps Towards Recovery!

For someone who feels completely consumed and powerless, what’s the first step toward recovery?

The first step towards recovery, I feel, is simply try and daydream – even for 10 minutes – about a life without an eating disorder. What does that look and feel like? This helps to shut the ED up a bit. Then make a list about who YOU are. What do you like, or dislike? What do you love and/or what are you passionate about? And how can you build a new life around this answer? What are my personal qualities, and what are my values? What are my goals? This may take a lot of inner exploration. But this is necessary to move forward.

Next steps, make a plan to do something you enjoy, which the ED hates. And find a way to laugh! Remember that there is still a sparkle inside of you – the ED can and does dull that sparkle, so find ways to bring that sparkle back. Find a sense of joy. And follow that.

Try to not step on the scales tomorrow. Try to eat something you wouldn’t normally eat.

Listen to music. Dance.

All of these things are like kryptonite to your ED.
Tell Your Eating Disorder to F**k Off. Find your sparkle and do whatever you can to keep that sparkle alive. This is how you get your power back. Period.

Distorted Reality – A dangerous mindset.

You write about a “distorted reality”—how dangerous is that mindset for someone in

the depths of an ED?

The distorted reality is extremely dangerous for someone in the depths of their eating disorder. The distorted reality grabs a hold of us, it shows us that we are in a much bigger body than we actually are and is yelling at us to get smaller – and thinner – to a ridiculous degree. The scary thing is, we can’t see what other people see. Our bodies and brains are starved, and this actually affects our perception. I have experienced this phenomenon. When I was suffering from anorexia nervosa back in my teenage years, I remember the sheer pain of having to gain weight. I might have been at 30 kgs. But the moment I had to gain a few kilos, or even one kilo, all I would see was that weight gain, I couldn’t see the whole picture. And it felt disgusting. Reality was indeed, very distorted. All I could think about was losing the weight that I had gained (to shut the ED up). Even with my more recent experiences with atypical anorexia, I was not seeing things clearly. I could not see how thin I was. The more I started to nourish my body, the more I was able to grasp what was actually going on. And now that I have gained a decent amount of weight, I am healthier not only in my body, but in my mind. I look back at photos and I can see what I couldn’t see before. My view of my current body, is more balanced – I am starting to see things more realistically. Part of recovery from a restrictive eating disorder, is being able to grasp how distorted your reality actually is. To begin with, at least, you have to trust in what other people are saying, and trust in what THEY are seeing. Because, as I said, in the depths of an eating disorder – you simply cannot see things as they actually are. Trust in the words of the people who love and care about you. This is very important. Eventually though, as your body, mind and spirit start getting more nourishment and health, you will be able to see things more clearly. Remember – when your body is starved – when you are greatly restricting your dietary intake – and when your weight is very low – your eating disorder will keep playing mind games with you. Period.

The ED is both a protector and a destroyer of worlds.

Your book describes the ED as both a protector and a destroyer—how does that dual role trap people?

Let’s be clear. Dual role basically means an entity (in this case, an ED), performing two distinct functions. An ED does serve a dual role… for good or bad… it initially came about to protect us from the unpredictability of life, to give us something to control, when everything else felt out of control. It was, in a sense, saving us. However, within a short time, more than likely, this protector, morphed into a destroyer. We realised, quite quickly, that actually, we are not in control at all. The ED is in control. What needs to happen then, in recovery, is a realisation that whilst the ED was a protector of sorts initially, it actually turns out to be exactly the opposite. Fighting back against it, is about gaining the control back… perhaps for the first time in our lives. Recovery is about realising that we actually DON’T need protecting at all. Thank the ED for its role when it first entered our lives. But confirm…with confidence and assertiveness… that YOU’VE GOT THIS. You are wise enough, strong enough, brave enough, to handle life without its assistance – and in fact – without its dominance. The dual role can trap people, because that can actually be really confusing! It is a positive thing and a negative thing at the same time??

You must remind yourself…. It actually isn’t a positive thing AT ALL. AND you no longer need its protection, moving forward. Thank it, but leave it behind you, because you’ve got this. I am SURE you have learnt so much over the time that an ED was in your world. You’re not the same person you were in the beginning. Whether that was 10 years ago or 2 years ago, you’re different now, and you have to tell your F**k right off. Your future depends on it. Show your strength. Show your courage and show your ED that you don’t need its protection anymore. It will continue to destroy, if you don’t stand up and fight it. Period.

You are NOT your Eating Disorder.

You say “you are not your eating disorder”—what was the moment you truly

believed that yourself?

I realised this some time ago. Somewhere in between my recovery from anorexia nervosa when I was 16 and when I was diagnosed with A-typical anorexia at the age of 40. There was a long time in between where my eating disorder was relatively dormant. An ED started to grab a hold of me almost 3 years ago, and I only realised this about 2 years ago when I was 39. When I had the realisation that an ED was present in my life again, I started to think about how best I could navigate this. A big part of me wanted to keep losing weight. I had to keep reminding myself that, hey, I am so much more than just that part of me that wants to be thin. I am Kate, I am a strong, together, 39-year-old – with a good career and good family and friends and an amazing partner – this doesn’t actually change – regardless of the number on the scales. None of that goes away – the number on the scales is an obsession – but it is not who I am at my core. Remembering that was huge. Still…. It took me another year before I started to really address the A-typical anorexia – with seeking professional help. But I knew… and I know… that an ED is a part of me…. Not a good part…. But just a part…. And the importance of recognising this in ED recovery is paramount. When I was recovering from anorexia in my teens, I don’t think I really grasped this truth, as I was still discovering who Kate was…. I recovered, but I didn’t have the insight that I have now that I am a lot older. That insight… is extremely valuable – and a big part of what makes this book so special.

Easter Challenges – Pitch for A Magazine.

Easter Challenges

Easter, for most people, is one of the most enjoyable festive holidays in the year. However, for those of us who may struggle with eating and/or body image issues, it can be one of the most challenging times. I remember when I was hospitalised for anorexia nervosa in my early to mid -teens, my mum and dad knew that the likelyhood of me consuming any easter chocolate bunny treats was next to nothing. My mum and dad, as a loving and caring gesture, would buy me bunny or chicken soft toys, to try and make sure I didn’t miss out, because of my eating disorder. I don’t know if I appreciated this at the time, as much as I should have. Chocolate tended to be something that was challenging for me, even throughout my recovery when I was about 16 years old. I remember that when I was in the midst of my recovery at Hollywood Clinic – who had a dedicated eating disorder inpatient program – I started to try and change my relationship with food. This is necessary in eating disorder recovery – although eating disorders aren’t really about food as such – they are more about feelings of low self-worth and needing to be thin to feel like you are, just ok – or enough – However, the relationship with food still must be examined to really get to a stage when the eating disorder isn’t calling the shots all the time. So, in an effort to move forward in my recovery journey, myself and another girl whom was experiencing similar issues, decided to try mars lite bars. It was challenging, but it did the trick in terms of recovery… It helped me to feel like the eating disorder was no longer in control – I was in control – more and more every day.

I will mention that whilst, since that time, dieting and restricting hadn’t gone away entirely… I have generally been quite comfortable with chocolate in general. And a lot of this dates back to when I was really challenging the eating disorder at the age of 16. That is what has to happen in recovery. You must stand up with strength against the ED, and tell it that YOU are now in control. So, eat that chocolate bunny. Tell your ED to stick it. Because you deserve to enjoy easter as much as the next person. I don’t’ go overboard with chocolate at Easter – or even Christmas time. But I do allow myself to enjoy what I do eat. And to be honest, it isn’t really that challenging anymore – at all really! Because I enjoy small amounts of chocolate in my usual diet. I love it, and whilst I don’t gorge myself, it is a normal, healthy part of a nourishing diet. Don’t think for a second that because it may be considered as “junk food”, that you must feel guilty about it! Your relationship with food needs to get to a stage where you stop categorizing foods as “good” or “bad”. As someone who has been through the ringer with eating, weight and body image issues, I can honestly say, now that I am generally against dieting in any way shape and form. Nourish your body because that is what it deserves. You can stay healthy, and still enjoy food and have a balanced diet. So, this easter, as I do every easter, I will enjoy a bunny or two, and more than likely enjoy a hot cross bun or two aswell!

The only way you can improve your relationship with food is to challenge yourself and remember to tell your eating disorder/weight obsession etc to get F’d!

I believe in you. If I can do it. Anyone can. My experiences with anorexia, if anything, make me more grateful on a daily basis, to simply enjoy my food.

As Luciano Pavarotti says…

“One of the very best things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing, and devote our attention to eating”

This way of thinking is absolutely ok, absolutely healthy, and absolutely necessary in eating disorder recovery.

Happy easter!

You 100% DESERVE to enjoy yourself.

Love Kate xxxx

Your life is BIGGER – and more important – than your reflection.

This statement is very, very true. But I have battled with this truth for the majority of my life.

This statement means that at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what the number on the scales is; it should not determine the kind of day you are going to have, nor should it determine the kind of life you are going to have.
My life is amazing. I have so many wonderful things; great people, incredible opportunities and everything I could possibly need or want. Why is it then, that when I see my reflection in the mirror, or in the store window, this fact can become null or void when I don’t like what I see. Does how you look, determine what kind of life you are going to have? Does it take away all the good stuff? The things that make life worth living include our relationships – with our partner, friends, family and colleagues; our personal growth and how we make meaning out of our existence – plus the good times and memories we share with the ones we love.

All of the above-mentioned have nothing to do with a number on the scales, or what our refection may be and/or our interpretation of it. To think that this isn’t true is ludicrous.

Does the way we look determine how people should treat us? No. It shouldn’t. And if it does, there is something very wrong with that. People come in all sorts of shapes and sizes… does this shape and/or size determine their worth? Does their shape and/or size determine whether we like or dislike them? Absolutely not. I know for a fact that I love the people in my life because of their sense of integrity, their sense of humour, their kindness… not their weight, shape or size. It is these things, kindness, humour, loyalty, integrity… that I remember in a person and that I treasure in a person.

When I am having a particularly bad body image day, I need desperately to remind myself of these facts. Another quote that I love… “How I look is a drop in the ocean of who I am”. I am strong, I am fierce, I am kind and loyal. I am passionate about music, writing and sharing my story to help others. I am a good partner, a good friend, a good daughter and a good sister. None of this has anything to do with my reflection, nor should it.

My life is BIGGER than my reflection. My life is way more important than a number on the scales. I want to be Kate, at her best, and this has nothing to do with whether I am a size 6, a size 10 or even a size 14. This has to do with me aligning with my personal values, behaving, speaking and making decisions in a way that make sense to me, in a way that reflects who I want to be as a person and how I show up, every day.

I think as a society, we place far too much importance on appearances. What we need to place importance on, is how happy and healthy we are, and again, how happy or healthy we are should not have anything to do with our reflection in the mirror. Period.

Kate xx

Stigma around Eating Disorders

As someone recently diagnosed with A-Typical Anorexia (which is an obsession with weight loss and fear of weight gain – and hence restrictive and compensatory behaviours etc), I feel I have the authority to say that yes, there is a fair amount of stigma around eating disorders. I understand stigma well… diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when I was 26, I experienced a lot of judgement and stigma, particularly in the early stages. I still experience stigma to this day however because I have been well for 14 years, it has lessened quite a bit, because people know that I am doing well. I have an understanding that stigma happens when there is a lack of understanding about a condition and simply judgement because it is basically an unknown to them. Now, it is understandable to think that people don’t know much about psychotic illness; in fact you wouldn’t understand it unless you have experienced it yourself – like most things. However, I have been quite surprised at the stigma around eating disorders – there is a lot of misunderstanding and judgment. I think it is important to point out that whilst eating disorders are related to food and weight, it really is not that simple. And like I said, there is a misunderstanding around what causes an eating disorder. We are not superficial people – people who are only concerned about appearances and being thin and/or attractive. To think this way only illustrates a huge misunderstanding. Eating disorders are a mental illness, and generally, the reasons why someone becomes obsessed with weight, have nothing to do with being attractive or liked as such, but a lot more to do with the person feeling as though they are worthless – and the only thing they think they control is their food intake – and therefore their weight. It happens because a person feels like they are simply not ‘enough’ – so they choose to be thin. So therefore, gaining weight again to become more healthy, can be extremely challenging for the person. It is taking away their sense of ‘control’ and they are forced to examine their issues with ‘self’. So, really, there needs to be less stigma and less misunderstanding – and MUCH more compassion and empathy. Something that I, to be honest, haven’t received a lot of in the past few months. Maybe because people don’t know what to say, maybe they just misunderstand the reasonings behind the disorder – or maybe they just simply judge something that they don’t understand. For my friends out there who have provided me support over the past 3 or 4 months – thankyou from the bottom of my heart. People with eating disorders are scared – scared of recovery – scared of losing control – and scared of the misunderstandings as well. Eating disorders can be rough – they can be all-consuming – and for some it can be the end – So, be kind – always.

What am I learning in all of this?

I have started seeing a psychologist, and a dietician that specialise in eating disorders. So…what am I learning in this – rather scary and overwhelming – process? That Kate HATE’S eating disorders. They are everything she doesn’t want to be in this life. Kate aligns with the concepts of self-love, self-compassion, and the power of daily self-care and being kind and loving towards the self. This is what I have always aligned with, and I used to be proud to say that I was indeed recovered from my eating disorder, particularly looking back about ten years ago. I could stand with my head held high and tell other people that it is possible to love yourself completely, regardless of your weight and/or shape.

But what has happened? Weight loss, whilst it was healthy and commendable at first, became an addiction. And this beast of a thing has grabbed me with both arms and has been sucking the life out of me. I never thought thinness was achievable again for me, particularly because of my situation with a hefty daily dose of anti-psychotic medication. But alas, I learnt it was possible, with a lot of hard work, and this potential to be thin has overtaken my mind and my soul. I am not proud of the person I have become. I am still Kate, for the most part, but my reality has been skewed…. My sparkle… dulled.

Thinness has become the only goal. And that is a very hard thing for me to admit, as someone who has always set amazingly positive and admirable goals for myself, and for the majority of them, I would indeed achieve them. This goal of thinness is not important, and I am beginning to see that. But this beast has me in its extremely tight grip. And it isn’t letting go. I am trying my utmost to remind myself of what is actually important to me…. To Kate. There are 2 things in particular that I am trying to focus on. Firstly, I have to think about my physical AND mental health.

We need good nutrition to function in life and being malnourished from Monday to Friday – just doesn’t cut it. I am trying to see that increasing my levels of nutrition and nourishment by increasing my daily intake, is a very good – and important thing. My body AND my brain, deserves to be nourished – I deserve nourishment. This is part of daily self-care and part of being kind and loving towards the self. To starve oneself – is completely the opposite. So, why starve? Only because the beast of an eating disorder has convinced us that this is the only way to stay in control, the only way to be acceptable – enough – and the only way to be happy.

However, it never gets to happiness, because the eating disorder simply pulls us further into the disorder. You will never be thin enough. And this is what eating disorders do. I am trying to boost my nutrition to boost my ability to see things clearly, and truly as they are. The other thing that I am trying to focus on – to get KATE back in control – is looking at my identity. I am presenting publicly – 5 times over the next 2 weeks for mental health week. When I do public speaking, I want to walk the talk, so to speak.

So, when I stand up and speak about recovery, I want to at least be able to say, that I am committed to recovery. That I am committed to healing on all levels. I think it is OK to say that this is still a work in progress – because honesty is good. But I don’t want to stand up and admit to the audience that the only thing that is important to me right now is thinness. That is not who I am – AT ALL. My psychologist asked me today how I will best navigate this situation – with public speaking. I think it really is about intention. I can still have admirable intentions. Even if I am not quite there yet – even if I am not as recovered as I wish to be. I can still say that I am giving it my all; that I am putting up a fight against my eating disorder, and I can be honest when I say that I really do know how sneaky ED’s can be. They can creep in, without you realising.

But it isn’t too late for me. I will continue to fight this battle, and that is admirable – inspirational even. As long as Kate is still in there, battling her way through, then she can still align with who she wants to be. It might be a long road. But I am committed to this recovery journey. I am telling my eating disorder to F*** off. One small step….one day at a time. Wish me luck – this beast is very strong and VERY persistent. I honestly wouldn’t wish this on my greatest enemy. But when I win – and I WILL win – I will be even STRONGER than I ever have been before.

Quote (Kate Moss) – “nothing tastes as good as thin feels”. This is an absolute joke, and I can see that now.

Kate xxx

What actually matters – fuel for change.

In the words of Three Days Grace – I hate everything about you (ED), so, why do I still love you??

So – What matters? And more importantly, what doesn’t?

Does being thin even matter in the slightest? Only according to an ED.

Why? Because weight loss becomes an addiction. It feels like you’re in control. It feels like you have the power. But you actually do not. The ED is in control. The ED has the power; to think otherwise is simply a delusion.

Sure, your health is so important. So, staying at a healthy weight can be a real concern for some, and it was for me. But being thin???? Not anywhere near as important.

Who you are as a person is important. Achieving your goals and dreams is important. And your personal relationships…oh so important.
Love, friendship, family, fun, adventure.

And really, for me, personal growth is very important. And to be honest, this incessant obsession with weight actually gets in the way of my personal growth. I am not really growing. I am stuck. All of my extra energy goes towards this obsession, where I could be using this energy for something greater and more meaningful.

I want to be kind; I want to be compassionate and patient. I want to be a better friend, partner, daughter, and sister. I want to move towards my goals and dreams. This is what matters most of all.

How do I step off this merry-go-round?
I have so many wonderful things, wonderful people in my life, and I am achieving some really great things. How can I shift the focus to what really matters at the end of the day?

This is the journey that I currently still find myself on. The fact that this weight obsession can crush my spirit on any given day, and ruining my sense of happiness, depending on the number that stares up at me from the scales… is simply ludicrous. I won’t let it win.

Mark my words.