Suddenly, I realise that my cup (or in other words, my soul) is completely and utterly full. I am happy, fulfilled and challenged (but not too challenged) …comfortable (but not too comfortable). I have time to bathe in my introverted-ness… enjoying the little things life has to offer, including being creative and intellectually stimulated, and I also have time to fully experience my extroverted self, enjoying being a social butterfly. I have everything I need. My relationships are so nourishing, on so many levels, and I am never bored or uninspired. Boredom is probably something I have grappled with for many years now, but for the first time EVER, I am whole, engaged and consistently inspired. For too long, I felt like there were parts of me missing; somehow… parts of me that weren’t engaged or fulfilled. And sometimes, I wonder how it is that I managed to get to this inner sanctum. A used to be in a cocoon; so scared to fully embrace life in its entirety. I would like to refer to a quote that sums up my journey, in a very succinct way. “You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and see that you’ve climbed a mountain”.
If anyone ever tells you that a life with considerable struggle is not able to transform into a life with abundance and happiness, I would tell them to think again. The first 27 years of my life were chocked full of not only struggle, but also distress, and loneliness. But the 11 years to follow, although still difficult at times, were full of magic, joy and promise for the future.
I know I have written many words (probably) over the past 8 years, that basically outline the same thing…outlining my experience of illness and the recovery journey that followed. But I feel like what I am writing today is slightly different. It is a kind of overview, a broad look at the difference between my inner experiences in the distant past, and my inner experiences in my recent present. I probably can’t quite get across the vast difference between my two different worlds. It is night and day, winter, and summer, black and white. It is emptiness and indeed, a cup that is overflowing.
I pray that you one day come to know the difference between these two worlds, and I hope you don’t give up until you get there. I pray that you find within you, the strength and resilience and inner wisdom, to get you from the depths of sorrow to the elatedness of joy.
11 years ago, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I have accomplished many things in this time, I was almost married in 2016, I have worked for 9 years in the field of mental health/Alcohol & Drugs, I have written and published a memoir in 2020, I have spoken at Parliament for mental health week, spoken at conferences including being a lived experience Keynote speaker for the WAAMH conference in 2016, I have spoken several times on the radio, and did a podcast with Heidi from 92.9 back in 2017. I have also featured in a couple of news paper articles for the West Australian. So, you might say, I am incredibly lucky. Although I still have my bad days and my bad moments…basically you could say I am far from perfect. But I always try my best and I always pat myself on the back for giving everything a good go. I have been ruthless in my mission to achieve and maintain an amazingly blessed, and happy life. I am very proud of myself, and I know the amazing people in my life are proud of me too. I recently opened up to my colleagues and boss at work, about my past experiences and in particular, spoke to them about my book, which really is the amalgamation of all of my hard work. They responded with awe, compassion and kindness, and I feel like I really have reached a new level of respect within the organisation. There is also now talks of promoting my book to staff and service users within Palmerston, which I am thrilled about, to say the least.
I have had a few off days recently, and whilst this can upset me, I know that it is only temporary, and I know that the life I am living is still so blessed, and I have so much to be thankful for, every day. I want to tell anyone reading this, that I am moving forward in my quest to be transparent and authentic about who I am and what I have experienced, and still experience to this day. For my sake, and also for the sake of reducing mental health stigma in society.
So, if you have a problem with who I am, and what I have been through… “if you judge me as I am, then watch me as I go”. Because I don’t have time for people who judge or criticize me. I have worked really hard on accepting the things I cannot change, within myself and my life circumstances, and I have worked extraordinarily hard to get to where I am today. I have so many amazing friends/family/colleagues/people in my life who love me despite my shortcomings. And if you are one of those people, I thankyou so much from the bottom of my heart. I love you all immensely. If you are not one of those people, then simply watch me as I walk away. No skin off my nose, and blessings to you.
Love Kate x
PS. There is a reason that the first sentence of this blog reveals my biggest secret, it is because I no longer feel the need to keep it hidden. xx
I am an imperfect person, and I am ok with that. And I can say that now, and really feel it, embrace it, and believe it. I am a human being with many flaws, and right now I can say that I am not ashamed of that, and I am at the point now where it is totally ok if others choose to not be ok with that.
My perfectionistic side has always been a bit problematic, and choosing to completely love myself, at my best and my worst, has been a challenging task. But I think deep down, our flaws don’t really matter, and we should forgive ourselves for our flaws – big or small. The other thing that I have had to choose, is to not really spend time worrying about what others may think of me. The one thing that does actually matter to me now, is whether I am trying to my best with what I have got. Whether I am trying my best to live by my values and be a good person, and whether I am always looking to improve myself and my life situation.
Why is it that we always get so caught up on our flaws? If our flaws make us more of who we are, then shouldn’t they be seen as a good thing? I actually feel that are flaws make us more beautiful and loveable, but it has taken me a long time to accept that truth for myself.
I grapple sometimes, with the fact that I am someone with a checkered past. And whilst most of you reading this will have a relatively good understanding of what I have been through, and also some of the struggles that I still have to this day, I still get caught up sometimes with that fear of someone rejecting me because of my past. But really, I must remind myself that I am actually very proud of what I have gone through, and that the people who may judge, reject or criticize don’t matter to me one bit. The right people, of which there are many, see my flaws and love me anyway, and that means the world to me, and has helped me too, to love myself completely – flaws and all.
I think losing my dear dad in February was a welcome reminder of what actually matters in life. And by that I mean, love, friendship, family, and being the best person you can be. I know my dad always tried to be the best person he could be, and I am happy to say that I am following suit. If you are struggling with accepting your own flaws, I would encourage you to think differently about them.
What is the point of constantly battling with your innate flaws? It is actually a waste of precious energy and time. If you can learn to see the whole you as imperfectly perfect, then life is going to be a lot more enjoyable. Life is a lot easier when you embrace yourself and your flaws completely and without any conditions. I will strive to always see myself in a balanced way and know that I really only care about what and who truly matters.
So, be courageous enough to accept yourself warts and all, and be courageous enough to go out into the world, as your imperfect self, and still kick arse at life.
We all go through difficult times in our life’s journey, that is a given. And even up until recently, I thought I was very well versed at dealing with challenges. I have a little switch that flicks on whenever I am challenged, which allows me to draw on resilience and strength, and allows me to always find an inherent positive within a negative situation. Because of this little switch, which has taken years to build within, I am able to stay positive, buoyant, hopeful and determined.
What I didn’t account for though, was the experience of grief. My wonderful, beloved Dad unfortunately left us and this world, only a couple of weeks ago on the 12th of February 2022. I have never felt pain so excruciating. And it hit me for six. My resilience seemed to be completely wiped out. I have been teary, pained, and prone to meltdowns. I didn’t see this coming. Even though we knew Dad didn’t have long left, I still wasn’t prepared for his passing.
We all grieve in different ways, and I think I just went headfirst into the throws of grief and loss. It has been 18 days, and today was the first day that I could properly breathe. Despite the grief and loss, I am able to see and feel some light. Dad is no longer suffering, and he is at peace now. I also instinctively know that he is not really gone… his spirit is with me. I know that he is now guiding me and supporting me from the spiritual realm. And this comforts me greatly. I have had a few experiences which furthers cements this belief.
Greatly upset, on the way home in an uber, the night that dad passed… the song “Daughter” came on the radio. I knew this was a message from him, letting me know he was there with me. A few days later I asked dad to give me a sign that he was ok. I was driving in my car listening to music and I said in my mind to Dad that I would like to hear a certain song, to know that he was there. The next song that came on (out of hundreds of songs on my Spotify) was that particular song. I also had an energetic alignment earlier today, and I felt his presence right there next to me. Unmistakable.
As I move on in this process of grief, I am beginning to feel more at peace, and comforted to know that Dad’s spirit is still around me (and the rest of the family no doubt); and will be eternally.
As you may know, I am an avid writer. My second book Level Up, is all about spirituality, and so it seemed fitting to me, to dedicate this book (which I have just finished), to Dad. He was an avid writer himself, and a beautiful one at that. So, I hope this book makes my beloved Dad (now my angel in the sky) proud.
Another year has almost come and gone, and it is time to reflect on what has passed.
This year has seen many big changes in my life. Some good, some bad, some amazing. It hasn’t been an easy year, with dad’s health going from bad to worse… a diagnosis of liver cancer in February, we remained positive. Then a heavy realisation in April as we learned that dad has brain cancer as well. Much treatment and two surgery’s; one that we are still waiting to see the effects of. Dad’s cancer is an unpleasant yet timely reminder that life is short, and we never know what is around the corner. It has made me even more determined in my own life, to make the most of any situation, good or bad. We are still praying that dad gets through this and is able to maintain a relatively good quality of life throughout this period.
Despite this disturbing reality, learning about Dad’s illness, I have still stuck to my guns and have tried to maintain a rigorous meditation practice. This above all else, helps me to stay focused on the positive, and grateful for all my blessings. It has helped me to maintain a positive mindset, fixed on growth, learning and healing; and it has helped me continue to attract more abundance and good things into my life.
What I actually realised the other day is this:
I am living a life that I am in love with. Yes, It is possible! I never thought I would get to this place, but it has happened, none the less. Don’t get me wrong, it has taken lots of hard work and tears, and the journey has been uphill at times and very confusing and frustrating. However, slowly but surely, I have transformed not only myself, but my whole experience of life.
I am happy. I am blessed. I am fulfilled. I am grateful.
I will tell you that I don’t attribute my happiness and success to luck, or even hard work. I attribute my success and happiness to my sense of spirituality and spiritual practices. I have had some amazing times throughout my recovery journey, which started about 10 years ago. But looking back to only 2 years ago, I was in a bind.
I had lost track of my goals, my relationships were not fulfilling, I was overweight and unhappy in general. I remember making a promise to myself at the end of 2019, that 2020 would be the year for positive change. I started losing weight and drinking less. This was the beginning, but there was much more to come.
I started meditating and reading spiritual books, and I started to pray to the universe and talk to the universe as if it were an old, reliable friend. All of this ramped up my feelings of faith and reduced the fear that was consistently present in my life. Over time I have created this very effective meditation practice, that I practice every morning for a half an hour.
These conversations with the universe and feelings of faith and abundance, catapulted my spiritual and personal growth to another level. I talked to the universe about my fears and my desires, and through my powerful meditation practice, I surrendered my fears and visualized my deepest desires.
It was then that I really started to see results in my external world. More fulfilling employment, an influx of money, and a publisher for my book were the first things to arrive for me. And whilst 2020 was so much more positive than the previous year, exponentially so, in this following year of 2021, things got even better.
My work life, personal life, finances and feelings of confidence have been transformed.
I have changed career path. No longer in mainstream mental health, which I was getting sick of; I have managed to acquire two roles in the AOD and DFV space, specifically a Program Facilitator role at Acacia Prison, involving group work and 1:1 AOD/DFV counselling with prisoners; and a Program Facilitator role at Communicare Breathing Space, which is a residential program for DFV ex-offenders. I am absolutely thrilled to be in this new space; I feel inspired and fulfilled, and I am well renumerated. I feel like I have struck gold.
I still have wonderful friendships and an amazing, supportive partner, which I am grateful for every single day, and I have copious amount of fun with my partner and friends. Fun is definitely a value that is very important to me and it is a huge factor in my day-to-day life. Only last weekend I had the most incredibly fun birthday at the Balmoral hotel, along with a ride in a stretched hummer. Such a happy time, and rewards for efforts made.
A wonderful new house has also been a very positive development only just recently, and I am so happy in my new abode. It is absolutely perfect and fits me to a tee. This bigger place means that I can actually have friends and family over, which is something I have been wanting for quite some time.
I realized last night on my way home from work, just how immensely free and happy I am… I feel completely whole and fulfilled. What an amazing transformation from where I was 10 years ago, or even 2 years ago. I am not saying that I am free of challenges or difficulties. The situation with Dad is something that I am still working my way through, and on my challenging days I still need to work on my ability to not care what others think of me, but my base mindset is positive and healthy, so I can get through these challenges with acceptance and grace.
The message here is this. Your past doesn’t matter, when you embrace spirituality and spiritual practice, and start having faith in the universe, absolutely anything is possible. The universe has an amazing plan for you. You just need to tune in, listen and believe.
I can’t wait to experience what 2022 has in store for this very blessed Kate 😊
I learnt something very important this past weekend. That is, that we may never completely get over our childhood stuff; and particularly around immediate family, this stuff may be triggered in us. But we can learn and grow through it. We don’t have to succumb to whatever those issues may be… we can be aware of them and let this awareness turn into growth… and ultimately, healing.
Before I go any further, I want to point out that in this post, I am not having a dig at anyone in particular… I am simply reflecting on some of the things that I went through as a child, and that I still battle with to this very day.
I had a very difficult childhood, and I always struggled with the dynamic between myself and my twin brother. He was always much bigger and bolder than me, and he had a tendency to judge, criticise and bully me. Whilst I don’t like to admit it, I must say that at times, this dynamic still remains between the two of us, and when I was a child/adolescent, this took a great toll on my self-esteem and self-worth. I felt like compared to him, I was invisible, and weak, and worthless. These feelings were intensified because of my body image issues, and eventually I got to the point where feeling invisible, became my very form and existence. The onset of an eating disorder and hence a diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, was the manifestation of those internal feelings.
It took years to work my way through those issues, and eventually, when I spent 7 months in a private clinic as an eating disorder patient, I found the care and love that I needed, I found my voice, and my self-esteem and self-worth, began to rebuild. I feel that this was because I was able to see myself as separate from my twin brother, and that power of the negative dynamic between us was able to dissipate… enough so that I could breathe again and find a sense of empowerment in my soul.
As you probably already know, my problems did not end there, but I have over the past 10 years, turned my life around. I have a very happy, fulfilling life, full of love and friendship, and I certainly have found a place within myself where I feel great pride, of what I have made it through, and great appreciation for all that I have. I have mastered self-love and self-compassion, and I am my own best friend, no longer my own worst enemy. My voice and my confidence in life has never been more strong or more clear.
But regardless of how far I have come, and regardless of my happiness and success in life, I still at times feel haunted and triggered by that same dynamic between myself and my twin. This past weekend I spent with my immediate family down south, to spend some quality time with my dad, who has cancer. I knew there would be potential challenges, being in such close quarters with my family. And alas, I was right. The same dynamic was at play. And I began to feel those subtle feelings, once again… even if only for a fleeting moment; it was palpable. And all of a sudden, I was 11 years old again, fighting with my own feelings of worthlessness, which was triggered by that dynamic within our complex relationship.
But driving back up to Perth yesterday, I was able to reflect on this, and the pain I felt was transformed into growth and learning…when I realised, I am not that same little girl anymore. I am strong, I am capable, and I am confident in my skin. And I was able to thank the universe for this great lesson in self-love. I realised that this particular dynamic between myself and my twin brother, was actually the perfect experience for me, and the perfect lesson. The fact that I struggled with self-worth and self-esteem, was the catalyst for a long journey towards mastering self-love and finding my own compassion for myself and my own unique voice. So yesterday on my long drive back to Perth, I made peace with that experience.
That dynamic might always be a little bit that way. But whenever I start remembering those challenging emotions, I can remind myself of how far I have come, and what I have been able to truly master. It is a reminder of who I used to be, and also a reminder of who I am now. I don’t hold any anger or hostility, I simply accept this experience for what it is… a lesson and a catalyst for growth and ultimately, healing. Every time I feel that way, I send loving, healing energy to that lost little girl, and I remind her that everything is ok, and that she truly is beautiful, immeasurably resilient and amazing. I don’t need anyone else’s approval to remember this truth. And I can stand strong in the face of criticism and judgement. Because I love who I am, and that is all that matters.
I think we all have a part of us that wants approval from others. Needing approval or needing to be liked by others is something we can all relate to. A while back however, I realised that if I really want to successful and happy in my life, and grow and become better, that I have to let go of that need. I struggle with it sometimes, and it can get me down if I don’t get the understanding or approval that I am looking for. But then I remember how far I have come, and I remember that the only way I was able to move forward in my life, was by only focusing on my own goals and growth journey.
I totally disregarded what other people thought about me. And let’s face it, I’ve had a fair few people in my life judge me and misunderstand me. And it does hurt. But what we all must do in this situation, is remember that the only thing that truly matters is what we think of ourselves. If we can be happy and proud of ourselves and do everything possible in our power to make our lives better and more fulfilling, then it really doesn’t matter if you are misunderstood or disliked by others.
I have had to be really cut-throat about it, and I have had to really rely on my inner-strength and resilience when I am up against a situation like this. If I continue to align with my values; be kind and also caring to those people in my life who mean something to me, then I can sleep soundly at night. If I try my absolute best to work towards my goals and dreams, and push myself outside of my comfort in my effort to grow and learn, then I can sleep soundly at night. I don’t spend time worrying about things that I cannot control.
If you at times, struggle with this issue of external approval from others, then I urge you to take a leaf out of my book. I am not saying that it is an easy thing to do, letting go of the need for approval, but it can and will change your life and your experience of life. It will make you more focused on the things that matter, it will make you more resilient and people will actually respect you when you simply don’t buy into others’ opinions and judgements, and then simply go about your day. But if by some chance they still misunderstand you or judge you, then you know the problem is with them, and not you. So let it run off you like water off a duck’s back.
When you look back at your life when you are on your death bed, what will be the things that really matter? Will you look back and be affected by those people who disagreed with you or disrespected you? And therefore, have regrets that you didn’t live life to the fullest because these petty judgments got you down? Or will you reflect on all the amazing things you were able to experience and achieve, because you were instead, focused on your own happiness, your own growth, and the sharing of wonderful experiences with those in your life that mattered.
At the end of the day, these latter things that I mentioned are what truly matter. I am not going to waste time getting caught up in what others think of me or my life. I will say it once more. You have to be cut-throat about this… The only things that matter are what you think of yourself, and whether you can be proud of yourself that you did your absolute best in life. Focus on your goals, focus on your growth, and also focus on those special people in your life who truly matter to you.
Let go of the weight of other people’s thoughts, judgements and opinions. You will feel free, and you will be free to live life your way.
The last few weeks have been absolutely amazing. Opportunities are coming at me left, right and center and it gives me even more faith and belief in my spiritual practice. It has been about a year now since I have begun a fairly rigorous meditation practice, and so many wonderful things have come into my life since that time, including meaningful work and a publisher for my book. But even more recently my feelings of gratitude and abundance have hit an all-time high, and the results I have seen are staggering. A wonderful (well-paying) job opportunity at Acacia Prison was presented a few months ago, and book sales have reached a point where I am earning commissions. I have also been offered 2 fantastic opportunities to do a presentation about my book for mental health week in October… and one of these is very well paid. It will also give me the opportunity to further increase book sales. I started manifesting a new place to live, and the perfect place has landed in my lap a couple of weeks ago, and I will be moving in 2 weeks’ time. I was praying for further work that aligns with my work at the prison, and a few weeks ago I landed a role at Communicare Breathing Space residential site, doing groups with men with a history of family and domestic violence, which is also very well paid! And not only this, but I have landed my DREAM JOB, which starts in December. This position is at White Haven Clinic, and it involves providing counselling for clients in different prisons around Perth, as well as in their clinic in Burswood. The counselling is holistic and aspects of it include learning meditation and mindfulness practices, as well as promoting the importance of personal growth for clients as well as staff. I will be undertaking intensive training over the next 2 months before I begin working in the role. My cup is full!
I feel like all my Christmas’ have come at once. Life has never been as exciting or as fulfilling as it is currently, and I cannot wait for my new chapter to start unfolding before my very eyes! My prayers for a more fulfilling career, a much better financial position and a bigger place have finally been answered.
I have recently come to understand something quite profound. That is, when trying to navigate your life, and when trying to make decisions that will move you forward in life… you may ask friends, family or even professionals for their own take on something. You may ask for advice or guidance… but it is very important, in the end, to trust in your own intuition.
We are the ones that are living our lives, so no matter how much people try to put themselves in your shoes, they will never be able to completely understand and know what is best for you.
I am a big believer in trusting in your gut and intuition, and I believe this will always lead you in the right direction… even if your own intuitive responses may not seem to make a lot of sense rationally.
Sometimes your own intuitive responses can become clouded by other peoples’ opinions and words. So, it is very important to take some time out to be alone and still, to really get in touch with your own inner guidance system. Meditation is very effective for gaining clarity around what our intuition is saying to us, so I highly encourage this. Journaling can be great for this too.
And then, once you are in touch with this inner guidance, trust in it, take the necessary actions and do not second guess yourself.
We cannot keep looking outside of ourselves for answers to questions, and if anything, this is simply going to confuse us unnecessarily. No one else can tell you what the right move is. There is a big lesson here about trusting in yourself, ultimately.
What about our feelings or heart responses though? What if your feelings are contradicting what your intuition is telling you? I say, in this case, that you should communicate your feelings to see if there is a shift. Or in other words, speak your truth. Often our feelings will shift if we communicate them to someone else. There maybe something that needs to be said… so say it and become empowered. I have recently had experience with this, and after I had communicated my deep feelings to someone, I was able to move forward, and a new clear path emerged. Also, when I did this, my intuition became even stronger and clearer.
I make a pledge, from here on in, that I will always communicate my feelings, because this will always point me in the right direction and move me forward…. And I know that new solutions and pathways will emerge when I do this. And whilst I can still graciously take on advice and guidance from other people in my life, I will always ultimately refer back to my own inner compass in all situations.
I am usually a super resilient soul… able to bounce back fiercely in the face of adversity… Able to see a positive whenever there is a negative, and forge ahead with high spirits, and with my hope and faith intact. Now though I am experiencing something in my life that is very difficult to bounce back from. I feel like my baseline has lowered and I am super sensitive.
My family has unfortunately had some very bad news. My dad is now on the path of battling brain and liver cancer, and whilst we are all trying to be positive, and whilst I am trying to be positive, the news has hit me for six.
I am not sure how to be resilient in the face of this news. I am not sure how to pick myself back up. I’ve never dealt with anything like this before, and I am questioning my strength. My usual negative to positive flip isn’t seeming to work as it has done countless times in the past.
Self-care is helping. Support from friends and family is helping. But I am finding it hard at work, to be the same person I have always been. Helping and supporting others whilst you feel like you need support yourself, is very difficult.
I am hoping that the initial shock and grief will subside eventually, and that I will get back on top of things. We are all aware that it is a long road ahead for Dad and for all of us and we hope and pray that things only improve from here.
One thing I have recently realized is just how precious life is and also how important it is to tell the people in your life how much you appreciate and love them. The people in our lives are what is important, and we must nurture these relationships and cherish them.
If you are one of the people that have called me or texted me recently, to support me during this time, I am truly grateful and I don’t know what I would do without your love, kindness and support.
I will continue to try and muster as much hope and resilience as I can… and I will meditate and pray for Dad’s health.
Kate's Niche 