I had a win this morning. A taste of freedom.
I know it sounds minor, but I didn’t weigh myself.
This is huge for me, as I have weighed myself daily for the past two years. It has become an obsession and something I just do, like brushing my teeth. It gives me a number to focus on for the day, and it tells me what to feel, on any given day. So incredibly unhealthy, and not at all in alignment with my usual “self-love” and “self-compassion” stance. I have worked for many years trying to view myself with a sense of love and compassion, and for the most part, I have got this nailed. I view pretty much every ounce of my authentic self, with kindness. My weaknesses and flaws, I accept, and I have learnt to embrace all of this. So, the majority of the time, I feel empowered; and whole. However, when it comes to the number on the scales, I am obsessive and harsh with myself, I show myself no kindness or compassion. An eating disorder of sorts has managed to weave its way into my entire being. It’s not overly severe, but still enough to be considered unhelpful and very unhealthy. I tend to focus on weight loss from Monday to Friday, in an almost obsessive manner. And then I enjoy myself on the weekends. There has been a downward trend though over the last 6 months with the weight loss. And this simply causes the ‘eating disorder’ (which I prefer to refer to as weight obsession) to become more controlling and even louder. So, today I called it. No number to focus on. And it was difficult, but also felt really good and empowering.
What I have realised as well recently, is that this sense of control over weight, makes me feel strangely ‘safe’, as if not thinking about it or having control over it is too scary and foreign. When I go back to when I initially recovered from anorexia, I swore to myself that I would never weigh myself again. I didn’t anticipate this journey taking such a strange, dramatic turn at the age of 39. If someone else was in my position I would know exactly what to say to them. I would know exactly what to preach. But I can’t do that in my current position. Because as we all know, you have to practice what you preach, 100%. So, I am not only now on this journey of self-exploration for myself, but I am also wanting to embrace the growth and learning to eventually assist others as well on their journey back to happiness, health and whole-ness.
My goal now is to really try and get back to those feelings of self-love and self-compassion, in every aspect of self. Part of that is getting rid of the constant weighing, and at this point I see maybe a possibility of firstly weighing every second day, to eventually once a week. And even at that point, making sure I do not obsess or allow my whole day to be affected by the number that stares up at me. Don’t get me wrong, I feel happy, and (almost) whole, but I just need to get the ball back in my court, I need to take the reigns of every single part of myself and my life, because I don’t’ want something else, some other entity, (eating disorder/weight obsession), to call the shots. I have absolutely everything I could want or need…getting this sense of freedom back will just be icing on the cake (and we all love cake 😊)
Love Kate xxx
Kate's Niche 