My journey through comfort zones and finding freedom from fear

My name is Kate Purcell and I am above all other things, very brave.

I believe in always, always, doing the things that scare you;

I believe that the best antidote to fear is action;

I believe that if you consistently challenge yourself, you will learn, grow and ultimately reach a potential that you never could have imagined.

I would like you to take away two things, primarily, from this blog. That is, I want you to challenge the validity of your own fears AND motivate you to do those things that scare you.

I’m going to start by telling you who I was, and also, what it is that makes me brave; and then I will tell you who I am today…in the context of how bravely I live from day to day.

I had very little confidence growing up as I was always living in the shadow of my ultra-cool-popular-loud-funny twin brother. We were absolutely opposite to each other. The way I viewed the world, and particularly, my place in the world, was very warped. I was so intimidated by life and I felt that my place in it was futile. I didn’t feel like I was any good at anything, I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere.

It was because of these reasons, probably, that I ended up developing an eating disorder, when I was 13. By the time I was 14 and a half the severity of the eating disorder was extreme, and I spent the next two years in hospital. I didn’t want to live… I hated myself so much… and I was killing myself slowly. As you can imagine, confidence doesn’t exist when you are ruled by anorexia… in fact to have anorexia is to be void of all confidence and self-esteem.

I eventually overcame this disorder when I decided that I wanted to live. It took a long time and insane amounts of courage, and persistence. The whole recovery process was a great ‘spiritual workout’… as it really tested my faith, and gave me the self-esteem that I had always been looking for. Unfortunately I thought I was invincible after surviving such a beast of a thing. I then used drugs and partied way too much.

My mental health declined quickly and my confidence evaporated, once again… Those demons from my childhood reared their ugly head… this time they set up camp for a very lengthy stay.

I lost my self-esteem again and to be honest, everything scared me. Life scared me. People scared me. I thought I had failed at life… once again. There was still a tiny spark inside that kept me going, although I almost gave up several times. I did try and push myself and I continued to do things, despite my fear. So I suppose this was furthering the workout of my spiritual muscles or perhaps you could call them my persistence and bravery muscles.

Eventually, after about 5 years of being in this state, to varying degrees, I had a psychotic episode, that somehow manifested into a manic episode, and then manifested into full-blown schizophrenia. I was unwell for about 18 months before I was able to get help – in the form of a wonderful psychiatrist and life-changing medications. Finally something was going in the right direction.

After being through all this and after being diagnosed with something that has so much negative connotations… I found myself with no confidence, once again.

Ill paint a little picture for you…at this stage, I couldn’t talk to anyone outside of my immediate family… I only had 2 friends, whom I still felt a little uncomfortable around, and I couldn’t socialise normally to save my life… due to my lack of confidence and general feelings of inadequacy. I had put on weight because of the anti-psychotic medication, which just made all these negative feelings even more intense; and I also had been told by my GP to apply for disability support pension because I probably would never be able to work again. I was so isolated… so alone… and still afraid. – But at least I was sane – that kept me going.

Eventually I came to a cross roads. I had to decide what I wanted for my future. I decided that I wanted more. I wanted to live and experience as much as I could.

Ill paint another picture for you… I was a girl who had been absent from normal functioning for the majority of her life…. I was a girl who decided that she wanted a boyfriend… so I took a leap of faith… and went on a blind date (through internet dating)…. And “failed” spectacularly. I really found it extremely difficult, and uncomfortable, but do you know what… I still did it! And my confidence grew just a minuscule amount. I didn’t let this “failure” get the better of me… and so I kept doing going on dates… again and again.

Fast forward 6 months I took a leap of faith to attend the first party I had been to in years…. And I had a good time…..it was amazing… and I discovered I could socialise normally! That was a huge turning point….and so I continued to push myself… slowly re-engaging in normal life…every day getting a little more confident…. Despite my many setbacks and learning experiences.

Then came my first job (at a health food store), the first time I told my partner about my diagnosis, my first proper interview, my first day working in mental health, my first time speaking in front of a group of people about my experiences, my first talk at a conference… All major turning points… that all took insane amounts of bravery and ultimately a lot of trust and faith that things will work out….

So, I overcame my fears.

Now roughly 6 years after being diagnosed and medicated properly… I will paint you a new picture….

I am a pro at dating, I can feel confident and proud talking to cute, attractive, successful men! (I am recently single…which I must say I am quite excited about!)

I am a pro at job interviews and now work as a mental health advocate, helping involuntary patients at Alma street and Fiona Stanley hospital… I am able to talk to doctors and clinical staff with confidence! And I’m able to attend legal hearings and actually have a voice and give my patients a voice!

I am doing well (still learning) doing group facilitation, namely, facilitation of WRAP groups… which involves talking off the cuff in front of groups of people

I can feel confident walking into a room and reading a speech about all of my lived experience… and I am working on having no notes!

I can go to parties, and talk to (most) people – we don’t all mesh with everyone, and I certainly know that now… and accept the fact that some people aren’t my cup of tea… I don’t blame myself in any way for this as it is natural and normal!

I can make friends easily by being authentic, kind, and open.

Final words –

The sky is now the limit.

Outside your comfort zone is indeed, where the magic really happens.

It’s better to do something and be terrified than to not do something and be terrified.