Kate's Niche

Self-care, above everything else, is a way of showing you that you are worthy of love and nurturing.

If you struggle with self-esteem and self-worth issues, engaging in self-care practices is a great way of starting to love yourself. If you ask me, we are on this earth for a few good reasons: to follow your hearts greatest desires (or in other words to follow your dreams and aspirations), to love others and to experience great love and great joy ourselves.

Part of experiencing great love, is to love and care for ourselves. And this is just as important as showing love and care to those around us. At times, we must be selfish, and do things…. Simply because they make us happy.

So, self-care isn’t a one fits all prescription… because what makes one person happy might be completely different to what makes another person happy. You need to write a list of things that make you feel good… mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. And then…. You simply must make these things a priority in your life. Of course, we have responsibilities in our lives that require us to think outside of ‘what makes us feel good’…. We must go to work, we must care for our families and friends, we must keep a clean and tidy environment. But you simply must take time out for ourselves. Even if its 30 minutes a day… or 10 minutes a day…. make it a priority.

Without self—care, we burn out, we become stressed, and unhappy.

We must be our own best friend in life, and this is the way it should be for every single person on this earth. We cannot rely on others to make us feel better all the time. We must take ownership and rely on ourselves primarily.

Part of your self-care routine would include things like sleeping well and eating well, it may also include down-time like watching a favorite TV show. But the things that I find to be really helpful, include being able to say no to something you don’t want to do, or on the flip side, saying yes to something you really want to do! Also, being able to ask for help and support, is important.

I already mentioned self-care being great for people who lack self-esteem or self-worth. I also believe that people with mental health issues, are in great need of self-care also.  It is in fact, imperative, that you take extra good care of yourself, when living with mental illness. Mainly because having mental illness, can tend to go hand in hand with self-esteem and self-worth issues, because of all the negative stigma surrounding ‘labels’.

Also though (for me anyway), it is important because I find that I need to have more self-care tools on hand for when my mental health starts to decline or if I am triggered in any way. I know if I start to struggle; I cannot just ‘soldier on’. If I notice that I am struggling, the one thing I know I can do to bring me back up again, is to engage in self-care practices. I’m telling you they can work a treat!

If I have had a bad day, I go home, exercise (increases endorphins), then cuddle up with a funky blanket and pillows, light some candles and incense, and relax whilst I watch something funny on DVD. I always have comedies on hand… things that are guaranteed to make me laugh.

This is just for me, some people like to meditate, or listen to music…. There are countless things you can do… it just depends on what you like and what makes you feel good!

 

Here are some great ideas for self-care:

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/45-simple-self-care-practices-for-a-healthy-mind-body-and-soul/

I’m truly flabbergasted (that’s a word, isn’t it?) at just how fortunate I am in my life – at this time in particular.

There has been so much change of late… and if you know me at all, you’ll know that I love change. I embrace change and always see changes as blessings in disguise (even if something happens that could be considered “bad”, it always works out for the best – I am a big believer in this!)

A couple of months ago I was feeling a little bit stressed about finances…. I absolutely loved my mental health advocate role but I wasn’t getting enough work so money had been very tight. I started a gratitude journal around this time and I made a point of everyday, still being happy with what I had…. I made a point of everyday, still being grateful for everything in my life – because things could always be worse, and I know this from my life experience!

Perhaps a week or two after starting my gratitude journal, I hear about a job possibility through a friend… and then within another two weeks I had myself a new permanent fulltime position at a mental health organisation in Fremantle… and I didn’t even have to be interviewed for it. It was basically given to me on a silver platter.

I was gob-smacked at just how quickly the universe had answered my prayers. The perfect job for me right now; perfect location and it is a job that I am truly passionate about (helping people on their journey to recovery).

It was also at this time that I had the misfortune of having some problems with my housemate. This could have been seen to be a negative turn of events, and it did create some stress around my future accommodation options… however in the nick of time the universe came through with the goods again. I decided to look for another apartment to live in by myself (now that I could afford to with the new job). On my first look at the REIWA website, I see the perfect little apartment in east Fremantle, just around the corner from my current home…

It was bright, it was open and it was cute to boot.

It was perfect… and I know I will be so happy there. And the address?

111 ******* street. Perhaps another sign from the universe? (if you believe in that kind of thing)

I put an application in straight away.

So within the same week that I was offered my new job, I was offered a lease agreement…

AND… Within that same week I was to hear from Heidi (92.9 morning show) in regard to recording a podcast with her. And THEN I hear about my TedX application having made the shortlist!

I also received a couple more speaking opportunities with WAAMH in September, and met some nice new friends (which is always a bonus).

The thing that amazes me more than anything, is this.

When I had a manic episode back in 2010, all I wanted was to get a job in Fremantle and rent my own apartment in east Fremantle (this is because I was in love with a particular spot along the river in east Fremantle – right near the left bank). I wanted a brand-new Hyundai at the time too.

Of course, none of this panned out for me at the time…. As I was unwell…I hadn’t completed my journey through illness to the other side. I still had many lessons to learn (persistence and patience being two of them!)

But now… 7 years later, here I am with absolutely everything I wanted back then…. Except it is even better than I ever could have imagined. I am truly blessed to have received so many wonderful gifts in my life. I am so grateful.

So the lesson here is this. Never give up on your dreams…

…If you have the courage to pursue them, life and the universe will do everything it can to make your dreams come true. It may have taken me longer to get what I wanted, but that’s OK because that is the journey I was meant to go on. If I hadn’t gone on that journey all those years ago, I wouldn’t be the passionate, resilient, compassionate person I am today.

Everything. And I mean everything. Happens for a reason.

I just wanted to say one last thing… specifically in relation to manic experiences.

I believe that if you have a manic episode, sure you need to recover from this to move forward with your life in a healthy, balanced way. But you can take away something very valuable from your manic experiences…. I believe that the way someone is when they are manic, gives a big clue as to what they are destined to become. In a way… it allows you to see someone’s full potential, it allows you to see into the very depth of a person’s psyche. For me…I still see my manic episode, as much more than simply mental illness. I see my manic episode as a preview of what may be to come…

But only IF you have the courage and the persistence to follow your heart and follow your dreams!

 

 

 

 

DEFINITION – the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

If there is one thing I am sure of in this life, it is just how important gratitude is…

It is that gratitude makes everything a little better and makes things a little brighter, in the midst of darkness. It is something that I practice regularly, and by doing so, it builds my resilience and my feelings of hope. Challenges seem smaller somehow, and it opens doors of possibility.

I am so well practiced at being grateful, because of the journey I have been on for countless years. When I struggled from the ages of 18 to 26…I would constantly give thanks for all the good things in my life, even when I had a constant cloud over the top of me, in the form of mental illness. I chose to focus on those things that made me smile, and feel good. At times there wasn’t a lot that made me smile, but I was thankful for the little things, all the same.

I remember writing a poem in my creative writing class at university when I was about 22. I reflected on all the things in life that nurtured the child in me. This is a powerful way to really lift yourself up when you are feeling overwhelmed by the things you cannot control. The sorts of things that I would constantly give thanks for were things like:

Having a good belly laugh

Drinking milk through a curly straw

Enjoying a cup of tea

The roof over my head and the bed that I slept in

A smile from a stranger

Sunshine and nature

Now days, so from the ages of 26 to now, my gratitude is on an entirely different level… Because I am well and because I have my health… and this is the most important thing for me. Every day that I feel mentally well, I thank the universe for making it so. And when I have days where I struggle a bit, I am thankful for my family; my friends; my work; the opportunities I have had and continue to attract into my life.

I am thankful for the clothes on my back, the food in my cupboard and the laptop that I spend so much time on 🙂  But most of all, I am happy just to be alive.

I urge you to start making time for a practice of gratitude – even 5 minutes a day. You will be amazed at just how much you can come up with. This will lift you up when you are feeling down, and it will help you to attract more good things into your life. It is key to manifesting more of what you actually want, into your life. It is important to remember that if you focus only on what is going wrong in your life, then you will only attract more of what you don’t want. So always, always, focus on the positive.

If I can do this… with the challenges I faced and continue to face every day, I believe anyone can.

One final reflection about gratitude… when I was younger, when I suffered from anorexia nervosa… in hindsight I still had much to be grateful for (such as a loving family). The thing with anorexia nervosa though is that there is only one focus, and that is food and weight. With 110% focus on these things alone, there was no room for gratitude, and therefore no feelings of hope and very little resilience. This is why I still say to this day, that going through a severe eating disorder was the most difficult thing that I had to overcome – and the most painful thing to go through. It is like living in distress 24/7. Darkness only attracts more darkness. In recovery from my eating disorder, I found a glimmer of light… and this allowed me to see the good in things again…. And this allowed me to feel grateful; and hopeful…. And I am thankful that now it is my second nature to see the good in things… and I feel this has been the key for me to move forward in life, to grow and learn and attract new and wonderful things into my life.

I am truly grateful every day and I am blessed

 

 

My name is Kate Purcell and I am above all other things, very brave.

I believe in always, always, doing the things that scare you;

I believe that the best antidote to fear is action;

I believe that if you consistently challenge yourself, you will learn, grow and ultimately reach a potential that you never could have imagined.

I would like you to take away two things, primarily, from this blog. That is, I want you to challenge the validity of your own fears AND motivate you to do those things that scare you.

I’m going to start by telling you who I was, and also, what it is that makes me brave; and then I will tell you who I am today…in the context of how bravely I live from day to day.

I had very little confidence growing up as I was always living in the shadow of my ultra-cool-popular-loud-funny twin brother. We were absolutely opposite to each other. The way I viewed the world, and particularly, my place in the world, was very warped. I was so intimidated by life and I felt that my place in it was futile. I didn’t feel like I was any good at anything, I didn’t feel like I fitted in anywhere.

It was because of these reasons, probably, that I ended up developing an eating disorder, when I was 13. By the time I was 14 and a half the severity of the eating disorder was extreme, and I spent the next two years in hospital. I didn’t want to live… I hated myself so much… and I was killing myself slowly. As you can imagine, confidence doesn’t exist when you are ruled by anorexia… in fact to have anorexia is to be void of all confidence and self-esteem.

I eventually overcame this disorder when I decided that I wanted to live. It took a long time and insane amounts of courage, and persistence. The whole recovery process was a great ‘spiritual workout’… as it really tested my faith, and gave me the self-esteem that I had always been looking for. Unfortunately I thought I was invincible after surviving such a beast of a thing. I then used drugs and partied way too much.

My mental health declined quickly and my confidence evaporated, once again… Those demons from my childhood reared their ugly head… this time they set up camp for a very lengthy stay.

I lost my self-esteem again and to be honest, everything scared me. Life scared me. People scared me. I thought I had failed at life… once again. There was still a tiny spark inside that kept me going, although I almost gave up several times. I did try and push myself and I continued to do things, despite my fear. So I suppose this was furthering the workout of my spiritual muscles or perhaps you could call them my persistence and bravery muscles.

Eventually, after about 5 years of being in this state, to varying degrees, I had a psychotic episode, that somehow manifested into a manic episode, and then manifested into full-blown schizophrenia. I was unwell for about 18 months before I was able to get help – in the form of a wonderful psychiatrist and life-changing medications. Finally something was going in the right direction.

After being through all this and after being diagnosed with something that has so much negative connotations… I found myself with no confidence, once again.

Ill paint a little picture for you…at this stage, I couldn’t talk to anyone outside of my immediate family… I only had 2 friends, whom I still felt a little uncomfortable around, and I couldn’t socialise normally to save my life… due to my lack of confidence and general feelings of inadequacy. I had put on weight because of the anti-psychotic medication, which just made all these negative feelings even more intense; and I also had been told by my GP to apply for disability support pension because I probably would never be able to work again. I was so isolated… so alone… and still afraid. – But at least I was sane – that kept me going.

Eventually I came to a cross roads. I had to decide what I wanted for my future. I decided that I wanted more. I wanted to live and experience as much as I could.

Ill paint another picture for you… I was a girl who had been absent from normal functioning for the majority of her life…. I was a girl who decided that she wanted a boyfriend… so I took a leap of faith… and went on a blind date (through internet dating)…. And “failed” spectacularly. I really found it extremely difficult, and uncomfortable, but do you know what… I still did it! And my confidence grew just a minuscule amount. I didn’t let this “failure” get the better of me… and so I kept doing going on dates… again and again.

Fast forward 6 months I took a leap of faith to attend the first party I had been to in years…. And I had a good time…..it was amazing… and I discovered I could socialise normally! That was a huge turning point….and so I continued to push myself… slowly re-engaging in normal life…every day getting a little more confident…. Despite my many setbacks and learning experiences.

Then came my first job (at a health food store), the first time I told my partner about my diagnosis, my first proper interview, my first day working in mental health, my first time speaking in front of a group of people about my experiences, my first talk at a conference… All major turning points… that all took insane amounts of bravery and ultimately a lot of trust and faith that things will work out….

So, I overcame my fears.

Now roughly 6 years after being diagnosed and medicated properly… I will paint you a new picture….

I am a pro at dating, I can feel confident and proud talking to cute, attractive, successful men! (I am recently single…which I must say I am quite excited about!)

I am a pro at job interviews and now work as a mental health advocate, helping involuntary patients at Alma street and Fiona Stanley hospital… I am able to talk to doctors and clinical staff with confidence! And I’m able to attend legal hearings and actually have a voice and give my patients a voice!

I am doing well (still learning) doing group facilitation, namely, facilitation of WRAP groups… which involves talking off the cuff in front of groups of people

I can feel confident walking into a room and reading a speech about all of my lived experience… and I am working on having no notes!

I can go to parties, and talk to (most) people – we don’t all mesh with everyone, and I certainly know that now… and accept the fact that some people aren’t my cup of tea… I don’t blame myself in any way for this as it is natural and normal!

I can make friends easily by being authentic, kind, and open.

Final words –

The sky is now the limit.

Outside your comfort zone is indeed, where the magic really happens.

It’s better to do something and be terrified than to not do something and be terrified.

When we speak of our family or our tribe, I’m assuming that the majority of people think of blood relatives.

I have a slightly different take on this, as my experiences were a lot different to the norm….

I struggled as a young girl to find people who I could relate to. My family were lovely but I always felt like I was trying to get their approval, I was always trying to be like them… when deep down, I knew I wasn’t. They were all very loud and confident and I was quite introverted and very sensitive. This meant I lacked self-esteem growing up and I had little self-worth. The people around me, including friends at school, didn’t make me feel good about myself, most of the time, and I was already very self-critical.

This of course, set me up for my spiral into anorexia. I was trying to control something in a world of things I could not control… Trying to succeed at something, in a world where I was constantly failing… I was trying to find comfort, in a world where no one was able to comfort my fragile self.

I desperately wanted to fit in, but I never really did. I always felt like I was drowning in a sea of other people’s judgements and other peoples (often loud) voices and ego’s. It has only really been these past 6 years or so, that I have felt like I have finally found what I had been missing for so many years… but I will get to that in a minute.

I had a family gathering today to celebrate a few birthdays. The feelings I experience in the aftermath of these gatherings are much the same every time; and today was no exception. There is always such reinforcement of how different I am from the rest of my family, and the feelings associated with this are not at all pleasant.

However much I grow and learn and develop in my adult life, as soon as I’m back with my family – I end up questioning my own worth. This is because I don’t really fit in with the family unit. In other words I am the black sheep of the family and always have been. I always tell myself that I am fine with being the black sheep, but when I am actually faced head on with this truth, I do tend to grapple with it a fair bit. For me, family gatherings aren’t necessarily pleasant experiences for me, because I am reminded of this awkward dynamic.

It is amazing how the human spirit and the human mind work… that regardless of all the work I have done on myself, regardless of how happy and secure I am in my sense of self, regardless of how comfortable I am with my past and present challenges… how I can go straight back to feeling worthless and “less than”, when I am placed back within the old family dynamics… mirroring how I felt for all those years growing up in the family household.

How does this happen? And if it is always going to happen this way… how do I overcome these feelings? I suppose it may be something that I will always struggle with. You cannot choose your family, and maybe there is some lesson I need to learn; that can only be learnt through my experiences within this unique family unit.

I will always love my family to the moon and back, and I know they love me too… and this will never ever change. But still, I will never be as close to them as I would probably like, because we exist on different levels. Luckily, over the years, I have found my own tribe, my own friend family…. people who love and accept me for who I am. These people respect me and love me and look beyond the labels, to see the real person underneath. These are the people who make me feel good about myself… and I am so grateful for them all.

I guess what I am beginning to realise more and more, is the fact that one of our great life missions is to find our own special tribe…. to find our own family (or friend family)… people that know you and love you deeply, without judgement. I suppose this is how I have overcome the problems within my family dynamics… just because I don’t fit that particular mould, it doesn’t mean I can’t fit into my own unique mould within my own unique tribe. When you find your tribe, you find yourself…. And finally find that sense of worth that we all look for at one time or another.

As it happened, it took me a lot longer to find my special tribe; which is probably why I struggled so much with my own sense of self and self-esteem when I was growing up. The family unit didn’t provide what I needed so desperately. Somehow, in the midst of all the chaos of my younger years, I have finally found what it was that I needed… self-love and self-acceptance…. and a knowing that I am a worthy, valuable, unique individual.

It is so important to surround yourself with people that reinforce your worth and surround yourself with people that believe in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself.

This may be your blood relatives, or it may not be. But either way, do your best to find them.

This is the beauty of being an adult. When you are a child growing up as the black sheep in the family, there isn’t much you can do other than grapple with it. Now my life is full of other black sheep… full of people that I have CHOSEN to be family.

Let those people lift you up when others drag you down.

Final tip: How do you find your tribe? Know yourself….be yourself…. because your unique vibe… attracts your tribe!

Last Friday I was pretty annoyed. I was annoyed for the same reason I usually get annoyed… that is… discrimination and negative stigma surrounding mental illness.

I am not going to point fingers but I’ll tell you the situation that occurred. Over these past 18 months I have had my sights very keenly set on a life coaching course, that is delivered right here in Perth. It was actually called a Diploma of Coaching, Mentoring and Interpersonal facilitation – and it is advertised as being “heart based learning”. I though all my Christmas’ had come at once when I found this course. It is everything that I had been wanting. Financially I haven’t been in the position to do the course but was planning to enrol in their next intake in September of this year.

As you may be aware already, I am open book these days when it comes to my past illnesses and past experiences. I only have people in my life now that accept me completely and totally as I am. Hence when I spoke to one of the women that facilitates this course, I was so excited to tell her my story and moreover, to tell her about my passion and plans for the future. That is; to coach and mentor people in recovery from mental health issues (and possibly do this in a group format also).

The woman told me that I was inspiring for things I have been through and my very positive outlook on life today. One of the first things she was immediately concerned about though was whether I planned on coaching people who are really ill. My answer to this was that no, I wouldn’t be reaching out so much to people who are acutely unwell, but people who are on their way through recovery… like I was some 6 years ago (very scared of life and unsure what to make of my future, after being given a very serious mental health diagnosis).

She still seemed to grapple with the idea of helping anyone with what some may call “the most acute mental illnesses” such as schizophrenia, psychosis and bi-polar. She spoke of perhaps helping people who battle with anxiety and depression. I of course agreed I would be working with people with anxiety and depression, but I also feel that people with the more acute illnesses can be helped and supported to a point where they are living lives that they too, are very proud of and excited about. By all means I know this doesn’t happen overnight, and that this process takes time; but I still bloody well believe that people (like me) can achieve this.

Am I wrong to think this?

Am I deluded?

Am I (as this woman put it), an exception to the general rule? – In that I have learned to thrive in this life despite my past and present diagnosis?

I say NO… not in the slightest. It is the stigma around mental illness that keeps people stuck… not their inabilities. Stigma keeps the unwell, sick, and keeps those people around us, blinded to what we can actually achieve.

This woman kept telling me that she was concerned also about my own wellbeing. If I was to undertake this course, would I not become overwhelmed, and end up falling ill again?

I was really annoyed by this as this was a grave assumption – but I let her go on. She said I must go to my psychiatrist to talk about whether or not I should do the course.

So I did.

My psychiatrist was (as I had suspected) perfectly fine with me doing the course, and had no concern. After all he has seen my strength, courage and resilience in getting to where I am today; and doesn’t question my ability to lead a normal functioning life. I was diagnosed and put on medication 6 and a half years ago… and haven’t looked back since. I only ever look forward.

I went back to the woman who runs the course to tell her that my psychiatrist gave me the green light. Only to be told that I wasn’t a good fit for their course – and basically told – and quite bluntly I might add – that I was not welcome.

Disappointed would be an understatement of how I felt after this.

I was shocked and hurt – and then just really pissed off.

I’m not entirely sure what their reasons were for rejecting me. Partly I think it was because she figured that someone with a past like mine was surely to be still fragile and will ultimately end up unwell again at some stage. – Which is a HUGE assumption!

Perhaps they lacked belief in me – or perhaps they lacked belief in other people with mental health ‘problems’. Perhaps it is pie in the sky thinking, to believe that ANYONE can have a meaningful, happy existence… or that people can rise above the negative stigma that has kept us all STUCK for so very long – another HUGE assumption.

I work so hard every day to show others that you don’t have to lie down and succumb to stigma. I work so hard every day to show others that mental illness is an OPPORTUNITY to grow and learn, and appreciate life in all its ups and downs. Your experiences can ENRICH your life and motivate you to become the best you can be.

The way I look at it is like this. You fall on one side of the fence or the other.

You either have an open mind and an open heart – allowing yourself to BELIEVE in the resilience of the human spirit and BELIEVE in our ability to grow and change and ultimately heal our past hurts or current challenges – given the right tools and the right support.

OR you can stay in the narrow minded view that people will mental health issues will always be more likely to lead mediocre lives, never reaching their full potential or achieving their hopes and dreams.

I know which side of the fence I land on. And I know there are people out there who feel the same.

Don’t be like this woman. Don’t assume things about me or other people with mental illness.

We might just surprise you.

I have been on quite the rollercoaster ride in terms of my weight and body image. It has taken me such a long time to actually love myself completely… no matter if I am a size 8 or size 14.

My unhealthy thinking began way back when I was 11 or 12 and I was teased at primary school for having a bit of extra puppy fat. This led to be quite obsessed with losing weight and also led to an obsession with food. I probably lost a few kilos at this time (which I was congratulated for – big no no-); and I was reading all of my mums weight watchers books and menu plans.

Eventually these obsessions catapulted me into a very severe eating disorder. This probably begun when I was 13 after my last ray of self-esteem had been lost after rejection from a boy that I liked. By the time I was just past the age of 14, I was hospitalised for being too underweight and was given the label of anorexia nervosa.

This diagnosis and hospital admission was indeed the springboard that catapulted me further into disorder and mental illness. My obsessions became so great, that I lost every other aspect of my life and self; there was no more school, no more friends, and essentially no more Kate. I became anorexia and anorexia became me. There is no other way of explaining it other than this – this particular disorder actually takes over everything, and every little bit of your sparkle or your spirit is deadened. I had no relationships… even with my immediate family. I was closed off to all of them. The only relationship I had left was with food… and this was of course completely dysfunctional.

I still get haunted sometimes by the sense of extreme loneliness and despair that I was in for those 2 years in hospital from 1999-2001. It was one of the few times in my life that I had lost all hope. I didn’t know what hope was – it certainly wasn’t a part of my vocabulary or part of my awareness. Everything was black. Everything was empty. Everything – and I mean everything – was lost.

I would kick, I would scream, I would get violent at times, when I just couldn’t control those feelings of intense despair and distress – that I was in consistently over those two years. My parents copped it all and they would watch in horror as their daughter moved further and further away from who she used to be.

Miraculously, I got through these times; and many thanks go out to those girls who I met in Hollywood that helped me to see parts of Kate again. Thanks go out to my parents and family, who forced me to go to Hollywood when I desperately wanted not to. I was so afraid of letting go of anorexia because it was all I knew…I had forgotten who I was and what life was like without the struggle. It took me 7 months at Hollywood to finally see the light. I am so grateful to this day that I had this experience. Finally, my story had a happy ending (for that time period anyway), I could move on knowing I had the strength and the courage to fight my demons and win.

Little did I know that I would struggle with my body image and food right up to now…. I am 32 years old now. I will probably always be a bit sensitive about the issue of weight and food. But I have absolutely learned… to love myself…. Every little bit. This can be hard at times but I remind myself of where I have been and I am just thankful for everyday KATE can live her life, and love her life – without being controlled by that beast.

As you may know, I have been through many mental challenges since my days of being acutely unwell with anorexia nervosa. I have experienced depression, OCD, anxiety, social phobia, panic attacks, and later on down the track, psychosis, mania and schizophrenia. My food and weight issues were meddled up in the midst of these challenges… but eventually, I found some peace.

Peace came after being medicated for the schizophrenia. This medication caused me to feel hungry and put on weight; and oh how I battled with this at the beginning. It was like torture not being able to control my hunger signals, and not being able to control my weight. It was the final challenge to overcome…. To deal with my food, weight and body image issues once and for all.

After a while of being on my medication, I stopped having the intense hunger signals – which definitely helped. But I still only have to look at food now and ill put on weight. So I keep my weight in check with Jenny Craig and now Weight Watchers. Many people think it strange that because of my history, I would go back to a food and weight focus. But for me now, it is about staying healthy.

Of course I prefer being a size 8 or smaller, but if I’m struggling to get there and stay there, I can let go. I can accept that things are the way they are, for better or worse – and that this is what I have to deal with. At the end of the day, I have such an amazing gratitude for simply being able to live, free of mental distress and illness. I am happy and grateful that I am healthy – and I let that be my focus.

So what a strange kind of full circle experience I have had with weight and food. I got into all my eating problems looking at my mums weight watchers books; and now I do weight watchers myself to keep my weight in check. It is a challenge to not get too worked up about my weight issues…. But I really have come to a much better place than I have ever been in before – a place of self-acceptance and self-love. I am happy – regardless of my size.

I truly hope that other people out there struggling with eating problems (in varying degrees), find some peace within themselves, and can allow themselves to enjoy life and also enjoy food – but not let the food be the main focus in their lives. I hope every single person who reads this can get to a point of understanding of just how lucky they are, just to be alive and well. Don’t take this for granted – I know that I don’t.

Love Kate xxx