I had a thought on Saturday, when I was feeling uncomfortable with the weight that I have gained – actually, I was feeling quite distressed; I realised that what I want and what the eating disorder wants are not only completely separate, but also completely different.
I think we already know and understand what our eating disorders want. ED’s want thinness. ED’s want control. But is that what we actually want??
To be completely honest with you, this time last year I thought all I wanted was to be thin. Other goals were nowhere near as important, in comparison. But I realise now, that my wants and needs were getting all muddled up with my ED’s wants and needs. Separating not only ourselves from the ED but separating our wants from the ED’s wants…is imperative, moving forward.
The 41-year-old Kate, wise and strong, just wants to be healthy and happy. She knows what is important and what isn’t. But when Kate looks in the mirror at her reflection, the ED starts screaming out. And it is loud…extremely loud. It screams that we’re not thin enough; it screams that we are simply disgusting – our bodies are too big – in this spot and that spot. It makes us feel like the only thing we can possibly do to make the situation better, is to lose weight. Restrict and control… and lose weight so we can get closer to thinness. But thinness is never enough for the ED. It always wants and needs more; so simply remind yourself that what IT wants and what the real. Authentic YOU wants – is completely different.
Make decisions every day that align with what YOU want. This is how we take back the reigns. The ED will trick us into believing that thinness is what we truly want – and need. But when it comes down to it – thinness and losing weight will not make us happy – only malnourished and obsessive. What will make us happy – is kicking the ED to the kerb – and part of this involves being at a healthier weight. The battle will be extremely difficult – but this comes hand in hand with recovery. True recovery – not just weight restoration – is about YOU taking back the control and making choices every single day that make YOU happy. Explore what that looks like for you – and follow that.
When you are living in alignment with your goals and values, or in other words, when you are making decisions on a daily basis that make YOU feel positive and peaceful – this is when you will be truly happy, strong and beaming with pride, with what you have been able to achieve.
xxx Kate
Kate's Niche 