It is Christmas time. And Christmas is all about sitting around the table with your loved ones and enjoying Christmas fare. This can be a joyous time for most, however for someone living with an eating disorder, this creates havoc within. At Christmas time in 1999 – 25 years ago – all I ate at Christmas lunch was a frozen Sustagen drink, and this was not with my family, but in the corner of my loungeroom, all by myself. As sitting at the dinner table created too much angst. Let me tell you about my journey through anorexia nervosa.
I started losing weight at the end of year 8, and by the time I was 14 things had escalated. At the beginning of year 10, my parents made me go to an ‘assessment’ at Princess Margaret Hospital, where I was swiftly diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. Two years, 10 hospital admissions and many tube feeds later, I was at rock bottom. I had no hope for the future, I had nothing normal in my life apart from my immediate family, and anorexia had the control. My weight dropped to 29kgs on my 10th admission, and I ran away from hospital one night when I was moved to a surgical ward – the nurses had absolutely no clue and no compassion for eating disorder patients. I pulled my feeding tube out on the side of the road, and I proceeded to a nearby restaurant to call my family to pick me up and take me home. Of course, they picked me up and took me back to Princess Margaret. It was heartbreaking for all of us. But something needed to be done to save my life. As things just kept getting worse and worse. At one stage I remember freaking out about toothpaste being too many calories, and not brushing my teeth for days. All I wanted…. Was weight loss, at any cost.
So, my parents decided to do something different. They had me admitted to Hollywood Private Psychiatric Clinic – where there was a dedicated eating disorder program – but boy, did I resist initially. I knew other girls that had gone there and put on weight – they were made to eat normal foods at normal times. I remember getting physically violent – pushing my mum and dad when I was trying to get them to see that I could do it (recover) on my own.
I didn’t have a choice. And for the first couple of months at Hollywood Clinic, I continued to resist. I didn’t really talk -if I did it was in whispers. I still barely ate and wasn’t really putting on any weight.
Eventually though, with the help of the nurses and other patients – and my doctor calling the shots – I started to feel a glimmer of hope. I was at Hollywood for 7 months straight. It was my second home. Things began to change. For the first time in my entire life, my self-worth began to improve, and I started to feel like I truly deserved a happy, healthy life. Don’t get me wrong… the gruelling process of starting to eat normal foods again, and gaining weight, was exhausting, and excruciating at times. But I managed to get through the hard slog, and I started getting excited about living.
The experience of going through anorexia and coming out the other side has been incredible, having said that, further challenges lay ahead for me. But I want others to know that recovery from an eating disorder is entirely possible, even if the situation seems dire.
Part of what got me through the very beginning stages of recovery, was simply having others hold a sense of hope for me. I didn’t believe in my ability to stand up to anorexia and move forward, but the nurses and the other patients did. Listening to their kind and compassionate words did heal me to a certain extent. Without my clinic family, I may not be here today to tell my tale. Patience, kindness and compassion were key. The other thing that was important was having my immediate family always by my side. They too, were exhausted and frightened by the situation I found myself in, but they were always there, even when I would treat them poorly. I did over those 2 or 3 years, break many windows and curl up quite regularly in a ball of total distress, because I didn’t know how to fight the beast within.
My dearest dad, who is sadly no longer with us, and my mum, did indeed become my allies in this whole journey and I will always be incredibly grateful for their support and their understanding. If you are reading this and you have a loved one going through an eating disorder; rather than let it tear your family apart, let it bring you and your family closer together. Your loved one needs to know you are there and needs you to hold hope for their journey and their future.
After all these years (25 years), only now am I ready to write a book describing that painful period. The painful journey of anorexia nervosa. More than anything else now, I want to help others by sharing my story.
Kate's Niche 