I thought I would do the right thing this Christmas and work on not being obsessed with my weight on a daily basis. I would normally weigh myself daily (something I am still working on) and I know from past experience I put on a little bit of weight during Christmas/new year holidays, because the healthy part of Kate realises that everybody indulges a bit at this time of year, and that she too, deserves to relish in the joy of Christmas food and drinks. This Christmas I made the decision to not weigh myself daily. I went for 8 days with no weighing, Christmas Day to New years Day. But what happened really took me aback and made me realise how much this thing still has a hold over me.
I look at it as great insight and learning, even though it was painful. Oh, so painful. I was ok for about 3 days, and then I could literally feel the weight gain. I could feel every ounce of it, just like I could back in my severe anorexic days. I felt so uncomfortable, and I was convinced I had gained at least 5 kgs. It isn’t rational, and I am aware of this, but rational thought did not help. I was convinced. To the point where it was ruining my holiday. The only thing that kept me somewhat sane is that I absolutely went crazy at the gym; in fact, there were only 3 days out of about 2 weeks that I missed the gym. This made me feel a little bit more ‘in control’, but I was out of control. My eating disorder swallowed me whole for about 5 days in succession.
It took the reins, and I seemed to be powerless to stop it. On the 8th day, I stepped on the scales only to realise that I had gained not even a kg and a half. The relief was huge, but again, I was to realise how there was a little bit of ‘anorexia’ inside me, still playing its game. Even though I am not really underweight, I kept getting comments from people about how slim/thin I looked, but I can tell you, just like when I was severely anorexic, I didn’t believe what they were saying for a nano-second. I saw fat, and I felt fat.
Yes, I have a long way to go. So, lets reflect for a second. I have done a lot of work around knowing who Kate (healthy Kate) really is, what is actually important to her and what goals she wants to achieve etc. And let me tell you, this definitely helps. I can separate the eating disorder from Kate and I can recognise when the ED is taking the reins. But it still has a hold over me. The only thing that quietens it down, is weighing myself daily, because I can see rationally where I am at. I know that I am at a slim, healthy weight, but take the scales away, my head goes rampant. I don’t see things clearly, I 100% catastrophise. It is almost as if getting on the scales tells me how to feel on any given day, and what to work towards for that day etc. When I don’t weigh myself, I simply don’t know how to feel. This is extremely problematic.
So how, dear reader, can we navigate this. I get taken back to when I was at Hollywood Clinic, where they weighed us all twice a week, to make sure our weight was increasing to a point that was more healthy. This was just as hard back then. So how did I get through this? And how can I replicate that experience now? The thing that I keep coming back to, is that you need people you can trust, to be that rational voice, to tell you that you are beautiful, to tell you that your weight doesn’t actually matter in the scheme of things. I feel as if it is extremely important to lean on others at this time. So for me, now, I talk to my partner, talk to my trusted friends, and I know that there will be a stage that is very uncomfortable, as we navigate through the issue with weighing/not weighing. I have landed back in a similar position to where I was at 25 years ago. And really, I am actually in a much better position than I was back then. I don’t have to completely rebuild myself and my whole life, as I already know who Kate is, what Kate wants and needs, and Kate has an abundance of wonderful friendships to support her through this journey.
Back then, everything was a clean slate completely, which is an amazing thing, but also very daunting. As I was walking ahead on faith alone, that everything would turn out ok, or better than ok even. I have done so much of the work that needs to be done, already. It simply (or not quite so simply in fact) comes back down to the weight obsession, and the habit of weighing myself on a daily basis. Why am I finding this so damn difficult?
At the end of the day, right now, I don’t have a doctor and a treating team calling the shots, I am only accountable to myself, the decision to weigh myself daily, is a habitual, obsessive thing, and as someone who years ago, experienced extreme OCD, I truly understand how unhelpful and downright awful, obsessiveness can become, when you let it rule your life.
So, dear reader, if you are in a similar boat, lets do this together. I will make a pact to work on this inherent obsessiveness and look at cutting down the act of jumping on the scales every morning. I think we need to remember, that like with any addiction, it is going to be a battle, at least in the very beginning. It is going to feel uncomfortable, to say the least, but we must remember this won’t last forever, so we must simply ride that wave of uncomfortableness. I work with clients as an alcohol and drug counsellor, and I think it might be helpful to view eating disorders as an addiction of sorts. Like I said earlier in the book, this addiction can get in the way of our goals and in the way of being the sort of person we wish to be. Realising this is huge. But actually ceasing the addiction, is the absolute hardest part. The theory behind it all, can absolutely make sense, but it doesn’t just take away all the hard work you must take part in to completely conquer your addiction for good. There will be a lot of discomfort, as we slowly but surely give up our addiction. And in my case, and perhaps yours too, dear reader, it is about giving up that action of jumping on the scales every day. I did this for 8 days over Christmas and new year, and as I said, it was painful; but it was also a valuable learning experience.
I know that I can do it, because I did it, I just need to remember that the discomfort will eventually dissipate. It won’t last forever. With my clients, I talk about the concept of urge surfing. This simply means riding that uncomfortable wave of having an urge or a craving and knowing that it will pass. I think this concept can be used here in a sense. What makes our situation more difficult however is if weighing ourselves is the addiction, our urge to weigh probably wont last 2-3 hours, it starts off by literally affecting your whole day. Over this 8-day period, the feels were there pretty consistently.
This just means, we have to be as solid as a rock in terms of our desire to change. Remember what is important; remember what you’re aiming for; and remember your ‘why’… as in ‘why am I wanting to change’.
This book hopefully will motivate you to really articulate what your ‘why’ is…. And hopefully it will motivate you to want to change for the better; and become a healthier, happier version of yourself, where your ED isn’t calling the shots. If you get up tomorrow and simply skip jumping on the scales, you must be ready for battle. It will be a battle. But we’ve got this. I’ve got this. You’ve got this.
This Christmas and new year period could be looked upon with great disappointment and upset. But I am trying to turn it around. It has motivated me, intrinsically, to change my life. I don’t want next Christmas to be a repeat of this one. I am going to beat this obsession with weight, and I am going to win this battle before me.
“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation” – Elizabeth Gilbert
Watch this space.
Love Kate xxx
Kate's Niche 