I learnt something very important this past weekend. That is, that we may never completely get over our childhood stuff; and particularly around immediate family, this stuff may be triggered in us. But we can learn and grow through it. We don’t have to succumb to whatever those issues may be… we can be aware of them and let this awareness turn into growth… and ultimately, healing.
Before I go any further, I want to point out that in this post, I am not having a dig at anyone in particular… I am simply reflecting on some of the things that I went through as a child, and that I still battle with to this very day.
I had a very difficult childhood, and I always struggled with the dynamic between myself and my twin brother. He was always much bigger and bolder than me, and he had a tendency to judge, criticise and bully me. Whilst I don’t like to admit it, I must say that at times, this dynamic still remains between the two of us, and when I was a child/adolescent, this took a great toll on my self-esteem and self-worth. I felt like compared to him, I was invisible, and weak, and worthless. These feelings were intensified because of my body image issues, and eventually I got to the point where feeling invisible, became my very form and existence. The onset of an eating disorder and hence a diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, was the manifestation of those internal feelings.
It took years to work my way through those issues, and eventually, when I spent 7 months in a private clinic as an eating disorder patient, I found the care and love that I needed, I found my voice, and my self-esteem and self-worth, began to rebuild. I feel that this was because I was able to see myself as separate from my twin brother, and that power of the negative dynamic between us was able to dissipate… enough so that I could breathe again and find a sense of empowerment in my soul.
As you probably already know, my problems did not end there, but I have over the past 10 years, turned my life around. I have a very happy, fulfilling life, full of love and friendship, and I certainly have found a place within myself where I feel great pride, of what I have made it through, and great appreciation for all that I have. I have mastered self-love and self-compassion, and I am my own best friend, no longer my own worst enemy. My voice and my confidence in life has never been more strong or more clear.
But regardless of how far I have come, and regardless of my happiness and success in life, I still at times feel haunted and triggered by that same dynamic between myself and my twin. This past weekend I spent with my immediate family down south, to spend some quality time with my dad, who has cancer. I knew there would be potential challenges, being in such close quarters with my family. And alas, I was right. The same dynamic was at play. And I began to feel those subtle feelings, once again… even if only for a fleeting moment; it was palpable. And all of a sudden, I was 11 years old again, fighting with my own feelings of worthlessness, which was triggered by that dynamic within our complex relationship.
But driving back up to Perth yesterday, I was able to reflect on this, and the pain I felt was transformed into growth and learning…when I realised, I am not that same little girl anymore. I am strong, I am capable, and I am confident in my skin. And I was able to thank the universe for this great lesson in self-love. I realised that this particular dynamic between myself and my twin brother, was actually the perfect experience for me, and the perfect lesson. The fact that I struggled with self-worth and self-esteem, was the catalyst for a long journey towards mastering self-love and finding my own compassion for myself and my own unique voice. So yesterday on my long drive back to Perth, I made peace with that experience.
That dynamic might always be a little bit that way. But whenever I start remembering those challenging emotions, I can remind myself of how far I have come, and what I have been able to truly master. It is a reminder of who I used to be, and also a reminder of who I am now. I don’t hold any anger or hostility, I simply accept this experience for what it is… a lesson and a catalyst for growth and ultimately, healing. Every time I feel that way, I send loving, healing energy to that lost little girl, and I remind her that everything is ok, and that she truly is beautiful, immeasurably resilient and amazing. I don’t need anyone else’s approval to remember this truth. And I can stand strong in the face of criticism and judgement. Because I love who I am, and that is all that matters.
Love Kate xx
Kate's Niche 