Warning: This blog is a tad on the negative side, but I try to end on a positive note.
I predicted this. Same as last year… around this time (the festive season) … I put on weight and start hating on myself. Because of the medication I am on, I gain weight by simply looking at unhealthy food… it does my head in. I wish I could just enjoy this time of year, like most other people, and just reside myself to the fact that I will put on a few kg’s (or in my case like 5) …over this period and I will lose it again when I get back into normal routine after the new year.
My inner critic, inner mean girl, or what I sometimes call my old nemesis, Ana (going back to when I suffered severely with anorexia), has a frigging field day at this time of year. It’s a perfect opportunity for her to yell and scream awful things at me and make me feel like shit. It really sucks because I am definitely a Christmas person… I LOVE Christmas. But having these body image and food issues really sucks the fun and joy out of this time of year…. It really is unfair. I wish things were different. I don’t think I’m alone… I think people out there that have suffered or are currently suffering from an eating disorder, can tend to feel this way too…around this time of year, in particular.
My question is… why are we so hard on ourselves? Why does putting on a little weight, ruin everything? … and how can something so superficial, suck the joy out of such a wonderful time of year? The silly thing is I don’t judge anyone else for gaining a little weight. I don’t see it as a big deal…. I believe that beauty comes from within, and that beauty doesn’t depend on whether you are a size 8, a size 12 or a size 16. But when it comes to how I feel about myself…. If I am anything bigger than a size 10, I just crumble. I pick and scrutinize endlessly, and I cannot shake the feeling that I am, in fact, the size of a house. Good ole Ana, rears her ugly head once again, and takes over my thoughts and feelings and perceptions. She literally taunts me and teases me, and self-loathing becomes my default position.
I seriously wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy. I feel like the only way to remedy this situation is to diet and lose weight. But there is that healthy part of me that just flatly refuses to do so during the Christmassy festivities. I have to at least try and enjoy myself…. I have to at least attempt to do what everyone else does at this time of year… that is to eat, drink and be merry. I just really have to work on the ‘being merry’ part.
I have decided I will go back on Jenny Craig the in the first week of January. To get back to feeling in control and so the self-loathing will be minimized. It’s the only way in terms of finding sanity around these issues. Going back on a diet and losing weight won’t fix everything in my life but at least it will quieten down my inner mean girl, or my Ana. She’s a bitch but that’s the only way to shut her up. Its sad but, unfortunately, that’s what I have to do.
I just have to get through these following 2 weeks of eating, drinking and (trying) to be merry; without completely hating myself, every second, of every minute, of every day.
I’m very conscious of not wanting to finish this post on a negative. The positive here, my friends, is that you should be so happy that you can indulge over this festive season, and not completely loathe yourselves. Be happy that the grips of an eating disorder doesn’t ruin this magical time for you. Be happy that Christmas time, for you, is a time to be jolly, and happy. I will try my absolute best to try not to let my body image issues, run the show. That’s all I can do.
Love yourself. Enjoy yourself. Merry Christmas and Happy new year 😊 May 2019 bring many blessings and magical times.
Kate's Niche 