Many of you know about my history with anorexia, in my early years.
What you might not know about, is why I went down that path – obviously I didn’t know it at the time but after years of growth and learning, it’s very clear to see.
There were several things that prompted me to go down that bleak path, which I won’t go into today.
The one main thing though, that anorexia offered me was protection.
The kind of protection that it offered, was indeed, iron-clad. It was strong and robust.
And it was the only sort of protection I had at that time.
I feel that it is generally our sense of ego that protects us from the chaos of the external world. After all ego refers to someone’s sense of self-esteem and self-importance. Ego allows us to, in a way, fight back or retaliate when someone tries to hurt us or criticize us. We can protect ourselves in this way. Now, I feel I never really developed this sense of ego (or sense of self-esteem) in my childhood years. That meant that if someone was to try and hurt me, or judge me in some way, their criticism (or the arrow – metaphorically speaking) would go straight through my heart and pain me deeply. I was sensitive, almost fatally so.
Anorexia was a way of protecting myself. Anorexia made me feel a sense of numbness to other people’s judgements. I didn’t have to hurt anymore because anorexia became my armor. Anorexia was at that time, my ruler, and I was its faithful servant. It changed my whole world, and all that I cared about before, no longer mattered. All I cared about now, was pleasing her.
When I started to recover from anorexia, I don’t think I really took the necessary steps to build up my self-esteem again (I didn’t really know how). I still remained quite fragile and worried far too much about what other people thought of me. I was somewhat stronger, but not enough. Which meant that when my external world (my life) went pair-shaped several years later, I simply crumbled again. I went back to my ruler and tried to carry on with life as best I could… I never totally let go of anorexia because I still needed it, to a degree. It took many years of learning and growing, a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder and a lengthy recovery journey… to find that sense of self-esteem that I had been missing all my life. It happened by default to be honest. It was the outcome of battling stigma, and overcoming stigma. I have learnt, simply not to care about other’s opinions. Now its only my opinion of myself, that really matters. And that is iron-clad now.
I don’t have a huge ego, in fact I am quite humble. But now I can actually love who I am (despite many “imperfections”), and I feel like I’m worthwhile. Also, I have found my voice and I can actually use it.
Never again will I have to go back to the protection that anorexia offers. I am free. And whilst I still battle with negative body image sometimes, I choose healthy ways of dealing with it.
Self-love really does rule all.
Love Kate xx
Kate's Niche 