Vulnerability provides a space, and is a catalyst for, authentic conversations and genuine human connection… and I have built myself and my life around these “deeply true” conversations and ways of being.
As a young girl I was very vulnerable…. Very sensitive to the world around me. When I got hurt, or when I experienced criticism or rejection or pain, I crumbled. Somehow, I was different than everybody else… I didn’t have a hard shell or a persona that kept me safe from pain and hurt.
Eventually at the age of 13 I began to build up a wall. I created an armor… to protect myself and counteract my deep vulnerabilities. This armor was called anorexia. For those 3 odd years, I survived because anorexia had my back. In the words of Daniel Johns from Silverchair… anorexia “made the sound of laughter and sharpened nails seem softer”.
Upon the new dawn of 2001, that armor and wall finally broke down because I was brave enough to be exposed, without my eating disorder, for the first time since I was a young child.
For the first time, I really gave life a red-hot go…. I was extremely vulnerable, it was like I was a new born baby seeing the world for the first time… but I let myself be seen… and I found myself for a while… or did I?
What I think I found was another mask… another protective mechanism. This time though it was different…. And very flimsy. When I got into recreational drugs and things turned pear shaped, I no longer had the resources to wear that old mask. My mask was broken, and I struggled so much because I didn’t want to be seen as vulnerable (or weak) again. After this time though, I wasn’t able to create another mask… and I completely lost a sense of who I was.
My vulnerability was who I was, I didn’t know how to be anything else.
Through all the years of anxiety, dissociation and disconnection, depression and social phobia (from the ages of 18-24), I never used a mask again. I was exposed, yet so very awkward and uncomfortable with that. I very rarely spoke from that place, I had no sense of empowerment around the exposure of my vulnerabilities.
Eventually… things broke down further. A psychotic episode, a manic episode and full-blown schizophrenic symptoms….
After I started the journey of recovery, after I was properly diagnosed and medicated, I had even more to hide than ever before. How could I live with all this shame? How could I be seen as strong and not weak?
And I still didn’t have the inner resources needed to create a nice mask for myself to face the world with. I was still so vulnerable, and I hated it.
What happened next though, was nothing short of miraculous. After meeting my first real love, and particularly after starting to work in mental health as a peer worker (and seeing my illness framed in a much more positive way). For the first (perhaps second?) time in my life I really began to embrace my vulnerabilities, I saw them as a strength and I saw them as a way to really connect with others, and connect on a deeper level with the universe. I started living, using the three C’s… Courage, Connection and Compassion. The 3 C’s saved my life. And learning to see vulnerability as a strength, saved my life. With a deeper connection to others and the world, it gave my life more meaning and more purpose. Had I of adhered to the belief that being vulnerable is a weakness, I simply don’t think I would have survived in this world.
I believe that in order to recover from a mental illness, one has to have the courage to speak openly about their experiences; to overcome the shame that is so often attached to having a mental illness. One has to have the courage to have these conversations, and become vulnerable and exposed.
We must experience the feelings of empowerment and liberation that come along with the telling of our unique story and experience.
There has to be the right forum for these conversations to take place, in order to stay safe, and I was lucky enough, working in mental health, to have had the right forum… people to talk to that saw my illness in a positive light, people that didn’t judge my past. I was extremely lucky in that sense. I got to practice being vulnerable at work… and eventually this spilled over into my personal life. I choose to be vulnerable now, with everyone in my life, as it creates a wonderful bond, and creates a sense of real connection and a sense of deep appreciation, and gratitude for all that is.
Kate's Niche 