It’s boxing day.
Christmas is over for another year and I find myself feeling sad yet full of reflection.
Why is it that people reflect so much at this time of year?
Why is it that some people find this time of year, a little difficult?
I can only speak for myself but I feel that this, really, is the time to assess where we are at in our lives. We reflect on everything…. Including career and relationships, and our most personal growth.
There are lots of things that keep me going at times like this though, and one is the fact that I have indeed grown, as a human being. I haven’t just grown another year older, but I feel I am wiser, stronger and more connected to those that I love.
Every year brings highs and lows, and this year has been no exception. I have had some wonderful times, and made some spectacular memories…. And I feel that I am further along in my life’s journey; learning little (and some big) lessons along the way.
I think, it is so incredibly important at this time of year, to take some time to feel grateful for all that is in our lives – “good” or “bad” or anywhere in between. Essentially, as long as we are learning and growing stronger and wiser each year, that to me, is worth being proud of, and worth celebrating.
Which brings me to my next topic of reflection… love and loved ones.
It’s important to reflect on the people in our lives… the ones that make us feel special; that make us feel loved. But that is again why this time of year is so difficult for some. We may be faced with some time alone. I have a wonderful family, and beautiful friends, but because I am single, I am faced with a certain amount of alone time…. It is just inevitable. And this is hard. I, and many others, can end up feeling lonely… or a little bit sad that we don’t have someone special to spend the holidays with… we are essentially missing our other half, and there are no guarantees as to when this will change. We have to hold onto hope, for another year, that they are out there, somewhere, waiting for a particular chance meeting…. Ready, to fall in love.
Alas, we just have to keep chugging along….and enjoy as much of this time as we possibly can.
I will share with you now another reflection… this one is a little difficult to talk about; but important to say, none the less.
I’m reflecting back on all the Christmas’s I have had. Not so much the ones of late, but the ones when I was really struggling. I hope by talking about this, you may reflect on your own lives, and realize just what we all need to be grateful for… every single day (not just at Christmas).
I’m going to focus on a few particular years of my experiences on Christmas day….
It is 2017 now, and I have been very blessed over the course of the last 6 or 7 years…. I have been well, and therefore happy, and for the majority of this time I had a wonderful partner. I felt very loved and had fun with my friends and family.
Things weren’t always this nice though.
The year of 1999 I didn’t get to enjoy Christmas lunch with the family. I didn’t get to enjoy it at all in fact. I was going through some of the worst stages of my anorexia, and I didn’t eat. I mean, I didn’t eat anything – and definitely not Christmas foods. I was out of hospital, but this only lasted until the day after New Year’s day, when I had to go back through the emergency department at PMH …..
So yes, I spent the millennium countdown in bed, exhausted from trying to maintain a fake happy smile, and utterly exhausted and cold because of the fact I was so malnourished. The next year was much the same… I remember spending most of this Christmas so stressed by the notion of Christmas lunch that I opted out of it completely, and I had a frozen sustagen drink instead.
Then the year 2009 – I was in the midst of psychosis, but probably not to anyone’s recollection… as I just kept all of my thoughts and feelings to myself. I had no one and nothing in my life except for my immediate family… and I couldn’t even enjoy these relationships because I was far too unwell.
I didn’t think it could get much worse but alas 2010 things were even more hideous. In the midst of the development of my schizophrenia, I didn’t see family at all that day because I ran away from home, in a very bad way… and wasn’t to return until the following day. Again, I had nothing in my life, except my immediate family and of course, illness.
This is why I sit here writing this blog, feeling hopeful. A bit lonely, but forever hopeful, as I know that things change over time, things always get better, and that life, ultimately, is a gift. And Christmas time is a time to appreciate that gift. – Our lives may not be perfect, but my god… if you have your health… you have yourself a gift of gold. Please appreciate your health…. I know what it is like to lose your health… but I also know what it feels like to get it back.
So, in a way, I’ll always be rich. Regardless of whether my life is perfect, or far from it, or some grey area inbetween… I’m rich because I have my health… and much more than that…. I’m rich because of all the relationships I have within this life… because I know what it’s like to be void of these also.
Enjoy your Christmas celebrations, and for those of you who are alone this Christmas, have faith that the new year will bring you all that you need. And in the meantime… learn to love yourself and your own company, be your own best friend, and above all else, be grateful.
Love Kate xx
Kate's Niche 