When we speak of our family or our tribe, I’m assuming that the majority of people think of blood relatives.
I have a slightly different take on this, as my experiences were a lot different to the norm….
I struggled as a young girl to find people who I could relate to. My family were lovely but I always felt like I was trying to get their approval, I was always trying to be like them… when deep down, I knew I wasn’t. They were all very loud and confident and I was quite introverted and very sensitive. This meant I lacked self-esteem growing up and I had little self-worth. The people around me, including friends at school, didn’t make me feel good about myself, most of the time, and I was already very self-critical.
This of course, set me up for my spiral into anorexia. I was trying to control something in a world of things I could not control… Trying to succeed at something, in a world where I was constantly failing… I was trying to find comfort, in a world where no one was able to comfort my fragile self.
I desperately wanted to fit in, but I never really did. I always felt like I was drowning in a sea of other people’s judgements and other peoples (often loud) voices and ego’s. It has only really been these past 6 years or so, that I have felt like I have finally found what I had been missing for so many years… but I will get to that in a minute.
I had a family gathering today to celebrate a few birthdays. The feelings I experience in the aftermath of these gatherings are much the same every time; and today was no exception. There is always such reinforcement of how different I am from the rest of my family, and the feelings associated with this are not at all pleasant.
However much I grow and learn and develop in my adult life, as soon as I’m back with my family – I end up questioning my own worth. This is because I don’t really fit in with the family unit. In other words I am the black sheep of the family and always have been. I always tell myself that I am fine with being the black sheep, but when I am actually faced head on with this truth, I do tend to grapple with it a fair bit. For me, family gatherings aren’t necessarily pleasant experiences for me, because I am reminded of this awkward dynamic.
It is amazing how the human spirit and the human mind work… that regardless of all the work I have done on myself, regardless of how happy and secure I am in my sense of self, regardless of how comfortable I am with my past and present challenges… how I can go straight back to feeling worthless and “less than”, when I am placed back within the old family dynamics… mirroring how I felt for all those years growing up in the family household.
How does this happen? And if it is always going to happen this way… how do I overcome these feelings? I suppose it may be something that I will always struggle with. You cannot choose your family, and maybe there is some lesson I need to learn; that can only be learnt through my experiences within this unique family unit.
I will always love my family to the moon and back, and I know they love me too… and this will never ever change. But still, I will never be as close to them as I would probably like, because we exist on different levels. Luckily, over the years, I have found my own tribe, my own friend family…. people who love and accept me for who I am. These people respect me and love me and look beyond the labels, to see the real person underneath. These are the people who make me feel good about myself… and I am so grateful for them all.
I guess what I am beginning to realise more and more, is the fact that one of our great life missions is to find our own special tribe…. to find our own family (or friend family)… people that know you and love you deeply, without judgement. I suppose this is how I have overcome the problems within my family dynamics… just because I don’t fit that particular mould, it doesn’t mean I can’t fit into my own unique mould within my own unique tribe. When you find your tribe, you find yourself…. And finally find that sense of worth that we all look for at one time or another.
As it happened, it took me a lot longer to find my special tribe; which is probably why I struggled so much with my own sense of self and self-esteem when I was growing up. The family unit didn’t provide what I needed so desperately. Somehow, in the midst of all the chaos of my younger years, I have finally found what it was that I needed… self-love and self-acceptance…. and a knowing that I am a worthy, valuable, unique individual.
It is so important to surround yourself with people that reinforce your worth and surround yourself with people that believe in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself.
This may be your blood relatives, or it may not be. But either way, do your best to find them.
This is the beauty of being an adult. When you are a child growing up as the black sheep in the family, there isn’t much you can do other than grapple with it. Now my life is full of other black sheep… full of people that I have CHOSEN to be family.
Let those people lift you up when others drag you down.
Final tip: How do you find your tribe? Know yourself….be yourself…. because your unique vibe… attracts your tribe!
Kate's Niche 