I have been on quite the rollercoaster ride in terms of my weight and body image. It has taken me such a long time to actually love myself completely… no matter if I am a size 8 or size 14.
My unhealthy thinking began way back when I was 11 or 12 and I was teased at primary school for having a bit of extra puppy fat. This led to be quite obsessed with losing weight and also led to an obsession with food. I probably lost a few kilos at this time (which I was congratulated for – big no no-); and I was reading all of my mums weight watchers books and menu plans.
Eventually these obsessions catapulted me into a very severe eating disorder. This probably begun when I was 13 after my last ray of self-esteem had been lost after rejection from a boy that I liked. By the time I was just past the age of 14, I was hospitalised for being too underweight and was given the label of anorexia nervosa.
This diagnosis and hospital admission was indeed the springboard that catapulted me further into disorder and mental illness. My obsessions became so great, that I lost every other aspect of my life and self; there was no more school, no more friends, and essentially no more Kate. I became anorexia and anorexia became me. There is no other way of explaining it other than this – this particular disorder actually takes over everything, and every little bit of your sparkle or your spirit is deadened. I had no relationships… even with my immediate family. I was closed off to all of them. The only relationship I had left was with food… and this was of course completely dysfunctional.
I still get haunted sometimes by the sense of extreme loneliness and despair that I was in for those 2 years in hospital from 1999-2001. It was one of the few times in my life that I had lost all hope. I didn’t know what hope was – it certainly wasn’t a part of my vocabulary or part of my awareness. Everything was black. Everything was empty. Everything – and I mean everything – was lost.
I would kick, I would scream, I would get violent at times, when I just couldn’t control those feelings of intense despair and distress – that I was in consistently over those two years. My parents copped it all and they would watch in horror as their daughter moved further and further away from who she used to be.
Miraculously, I got through these times; and many thanks go out to those girls who I met in Hollywood that helped me to see parts of Kate again. Thanks go out to my parents and family, who forced me to go to Hollywood when I desperately wanted not to. I was so afraid of letting go of anorexia because it was all I knew…I had forgotten who I was and what life was like without the struggle. It took me 7 months at Hollywood to finally see the light. I am so grateful to this day that I had this experience. Finally, my story had a happy ending (for that time period anyway), I could move on knowing I had the strength and the courage to fight my demons and win.
Little did I know that I would struggle with my body image and food right up to now…. I am 32 years old now. I will probably always be a bit sensitive about the issue of weight and food. But I have absolutely learned… to love myself…. Every little bit. This can be hard at times but I remind myself of where I have been and I am just thankful for everyday KATE can live her life, and love her life – without being controlled by that beast.
As you may know, I have been through many mental challenges since my days of being acutely unwell with anorexia nervosa. I have experienced depression, OCD, anxiety, social phobia, panic attacks, and later on down the track, psychosis, mania and schizophrenia. My food and weight issues were meddled up in the midst of these challenges… but eventually, I found some peace.
Peace came after being medicated for the schizophrenia. This medication caused me to feel hungry and put on weight; and oh how I battled with this at the beginning. It was like torture not being able to control my hunger signals, and not being able to control my weight. It was the final challenge to overcome…. To deal with my food, weight and body image issues once and for all.
After a while of being on my medication, I stopped having the intense hunger signals – which definitely helped. But I still only have to look at food now and ill put on weight. So I keep my weight in check with Jenny Craig and now Weight Watchers. Many people think it strange that because of my history, I would go back to a food and weight focus. But for me now, it is about staying healthy.
Of course I prefer being a size 8 or smaller, but if I’m struggling to get there and stay there, I can let go. I can accept that things are the way they are, for better or worse – and that this is what I have to deal with. At the end of the day, I have such an amazing gratitude for simply being able to live, free of mental distress and illness. I am happy and grateful that I am healthy – and I let that be my focus.
So what a strange kind of full circle experience I have had with weight and food. I got into all my eating problems looking at my mums weight watchers books; and now I do weight watchers myself to keep my weight in check. It is a challenge to not get too worked up about my weight issues…. But I really have come to a much better place than I have ever been in before – a place of self-acceptance and self-love. I am happy – regardless of my size.
I truly hope that other people out there struggling with eating problems (in varying degrees), find some peace within themselves, and can allow themselves to enjoy life and also enjoy food – but not let the food be the main focus in their lives. I hope every single person who reads this can get to a point of understanding of just how lucky they are, just to be alive and well. Don’t take this for granted – I know that I don’t.
Love Kate xxx
Kate's Niche 